An Aussie Mug's Guide to - England's Medieval Kings of the Middle Ages.

Intro

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
Ed Prentice

Our lives are such a personal journey, a full on adventure from when we're born until we die. Unfortunately the only thing that's guaranteed in life is death, so when that last grain of sand makes its inevitable journey south we bite the dust! The problem is we don't know how much we started with or have left at any given time, but I'd suggest that's not necessarily a bad thing.

As far as I know the hourglass has never been beaten and, even though some Kings thought they were second to God, it turned out none were immortal. One of the big mistakes Kings in the Middle Ages made was to fight in battles, something that even an Aussie mug like me can see could be bad for your health. The Tudors worked that one out when they took over in 1485AD, as from then on monarchs tended to let their troops do all the fighting and the dying.

I could also suggest a few other activities Medieval Kings should have given a wide berth to, like; Riding horses with large saddle pommels, Staying away from anyone carrying a crossbow and a frying pan, Resist visiting half-brothers who live with their jealous mothers, Avoid eating unripe peaches or too many parasitic fish, Check the privy before sitting down and for goodness sake Cut down on your fat intake!

At least when Kings died in the Middle Ages they rested in peace, well some of them did....eventually!

HISTORY HOUSEKEEPING
Celtic Briton to Britain

It's said the island now known as Britain has been inhabited by humans for hundreds of thousands of years, although settlement or continuous habitation didn't occur until around thirteen thousand years ago. At that time Briton was mostly populated by Celtic peoples and warlord chiefs ruled their tribal kingdoms. There were other pre-Roman inhabitants too, those that had been either very brave or silly enough to attempt a sea crossing without the benefit of a weather forecast!

Julius takes a Gander
55 & 54BC

General Gaius Julius Caesar had been giving the Gauls a fair bit of curry, or perhaps spaghetti, from 50BC in areas now known as Belgium, Germany, Switzerland and France. During his Gallic Wars the somewhat recalcitrant Roman General sent two expeditions to have a squiz at Celtic Briton. His justification was payback for the Brits alleged support of his enemies, although he probably wanted to see what he could plunder too? His first foray occurred in 55BC around Kent, but it wasn't a fair dinkum invasion as such, more of a look see. They did go ashore and tangle with the natives, but without local knowledge or enough men they were really pushing shit uphill!

Julius decided to have another crack at the Celtic Brits a year later when he was much more familiar with the area and had a shit load more soldiers. In fact he crossed the English Channel with as many men and cavalry as he could squeeze into six hundred and twenty eight ships! The Britons had already had a taste of the Roman army's prowess, so when they saw the armada anchor off the coast they simply sat back and watched while the visitors came ashore.

The invasion was reasonably successful and although skirmishes took place the locals still had a great advantage, because they were the home team. Even so the Romans got as far as Middlesex when the General decided he'd like to get back over to the continent, because his Gauls were playing up again.....the absolute gall of those Gauls! The Britons didn't seem to have much in the way of wealth anyway, so the invaders made some deals with different warlords for fealty, grain and slaves and left.