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I wonder often whenever I see a person smile and laugh whether they were genuinely happy. It's quite difficult to tell. Happy is always associated with a smile, the twinkle in the eyes, the light laughter that comes after a joke, but I knew all too well that it wasn't true. I do all of those every time without ever being in a state of happiness. It's easy. And so I wonder if others do it as well; Sophie, particularly.
It was a Monday and everything was back to normal. Sophie sat on the loveseat, browsing the photography book she picked up while she waited for my shift to be over. When it was, we transferred to a café right across from the shop.
Sophie talked a lot, which I was thankful for as she seem to not mind my short responses and nods. It wasn't that I did not like her company, but rather I simply did not have anything to say most of the time.
"We aren't born to just work the 9-5 jobs to pay for bills. Life is meant to be enjoyed, to seek the undiscovered, to learn, and to meet wonderful people." She gestured towards the other customers like a disney princess, attracting stares and chuckles.
I placed down the now empty cup of coffee. "Only the wealthy people get to have that kind of mindset."
"You don't need a lot of money to enjoy life! Going to the park and talking to people or even just observing them can be enough, going to the library to read free books, even morning strolls can make a person happy. You just have to start romanticizing your life."
"Yes, I don't need a lot of money, but I still need it."
Sophie smiled, but it wasn't like the others she gave me. It made me feel uncomfortable.
The waitress came back to give us the receipt after Sophie paid for the drinks, but instead of walking back to the counter, she stayed standing by my side, tucking the non existent strands of hair behind her ears. Was the tip not enough? I thought 20% was acceptable. "Can I have your number?" She whispered, pink coloring her cheeks.
I do not give my numbers to strangers, especially with the scams happening frequently. "No."
"Oh." Jane, I read from her name tag, frowned before quickly replacing it with a smile. "Okay, sorry."
"It's alright."
Sophie grinned the whole way outside and offered to walk me home.
"You don't have to," I said even though we were already on our way to my house.
"I'm only doing this because you're cute." She shrugged, smiling cheekily as she bumped her shoulders unto mine lightly. I never really understood the purpose and meaning behind that gesture. Was I supposed to reciprocate that?
"Is it okay if I hold you hand?"
"I don't know." The last time someone held my hands was way back when I was still a child needed to be guided when crossing the street, and so I wasn't sure how I'd feel. Although most likely I'd probably be a bit uncomfortable considering I am with regards to most physical contact.
Sophie watched me through her long lashes, fluttering them she hesitantly touched her pinky with mine before hooking it completely. "How about this? Is this okay?"
As I observed our intertwined pinkies while we walked side by side, I felt my stomach churn and my heart beating faster than before, reminding me that I haven't eaten lunch yet.
"Yes, this is okay." I shrugged.
The corner of her lips turned up until it eventually became a grin, even her eyes formed crescents. Giggling, Sophie swung our hands back and forth. We were three streets away from my house.
"You know, we should be lovers instead," Sophie casually chimed as we took a right turn.
"Why?"
A gasp from my left made me stop, thinking that she got hurt. "What do you mean why?! Because I'm amazing! Why else?"
I sighed, rolling my eyes at how dramatic the blonde is.
Being with someone romantically requires emotional availability, time, affection, and everything else that I know I could not provide. It would be unfair to constantly take and never give. Even if I wanted to, I knew I would mess everything up eventually especially when it comes to relationships. Plus, it's so much easier when I'm alone.
