I'll Admit | #shawrocketfundcontest

Red Flags

"My mind is like a time capsule, holding the memories and resentment of my younger years. The events that changed me and made me, well, me. Thicker skin formed due to this, and that thick skin never went away."

I take a deep breath in, and look towards my friends. They nod, liking my opening statement. Saorise gestures at me to speak up, and Timmy motions for me to look at the camera.

"Explaining bullying to others is terrible, especially to people you know. That's why I'm here now, a college student sharing my past trauma with random internet teens, hoping I can somehow help. "

They reposition the camera at a better angle. I sit on my bed, paper in my hand, filled with the cruelty I endured. Not because I don't remember, it's impossible to forget, but to know what's most important for today.

"So, starting off, you all know me, Elijah, twenty one, massive nerd and probably gayer than I'll admit, even if I'm out and open as bi. I have been bullied since I was a child. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Bullshit. It all compounds over the years"

I look down at my notes, debating in my mind what to go over. I chose one event. Well, multiple events that combined into one mush pile of trauma.

I read over it a few times before looking up, breathing deeply and starting to speak.

"I'll admit, a lot of things back then are jumbled in my mind. She did a lot, and I'll admit it still hurts, what she did. But I'm not doing this for me. I mean, in a way I am, but I'm also doing this for others. For others who have experienced this, others who still are, and to help people not experience this. Me, along with a group of my friends." I look away from the camera to smile at them, "Saorise, Timothy and David, have decided to make a bullying webseries. Each week we pick an event or time of events and talk about it, as well as discuss what it did to help us. This week it's me, and I'll be talking about specific events in seventh and eighth grade. They all involve the same person and are very intertwined with each other."

I stop speaking for a minute, and David pauses the camera while I think of where to start. I decide the event to start with, and create a pseudo name in my head to refer to her as, as well as decide whether or not to say my deadname. I decide against it and signal for the camera to roll again.

"When I was younger, there was this girl in my class, I'll call her Lissandra. She wasn't the kindest person, went from guy to guy pretending to like them, would go from your best friend to your worst enemy and a lot more. She was the type of person who showed so many red flags you'd stay with her out of fear. Back then, I was a baby trans guy just trying to figure out what the hell I was doing. She was toxic, and I often tried to ignore that. But it was hard."

I looked away from the camera as Timothy whispers to me to stop. He looks to me, seeming surprised. "You were very confident there, Eli. Guess all those years of snorting my confidence paid off." We laugh at the inside joke. "Ready to roll again?" I nod, look at the next paragraph and begin.

"We met in fifth grade, we were in different classes but they joined up a lot, and half way through the year, after getting kicked out of our old place, me and my parents moved across the street. We took the bus together, talked in class, it was all great. Until it wasn't. Until ignorance stopped being bliss. Sixth grade. A new girl moved and we quickly became friends. We had a friend group. To outsiders, like parents and classmates and teachers, it was a normal friendship, but it was toxic. Cruel at times. Lissandra went back and forth between being amazing and being horrible. I was forced into wearing makeup, though back then would tell you I wanted it. It was the time in my life I was so deep in denial and in the closet you'd be surprised I made it out. Even I was. Then seventh grade hit."

At the, the camera was once again paused. I took a deep breath in, over and over. I needed to make sure I was completely calm before starting this next part. "Need to take a break?" I hear Saorise's question. I shake my head. I got this. The camera starts.

"Saorise moved here then. And the friend we met in sixth grade had to leave, but that's a story for another time. I became friends with her pretty fast, even though it took her months to learn my name." We laugh at that. "She became my rock, and my best friend, and surprisingly, not a huge target. Lissandra made my life hell from then on. Pouring milk on my head, generally being terrible, and it kept getting worse. Now, onto the real story."

We move from where we were sitting, bringing the camera with us. The next set up is in the kitchen. We quickly move around chairs and I sit down.

"I don't know when exactly it all went down, but I do know the events leading up to it, which were previously explained. The vice principal made us make up, be friends again, and that was okay. But we would constantly fight, and when I came out as trans, not even to her, but to Saorise, she did something bad. She almost outed me to my mom, who I wasn't really to tell." I pause for a few seconds. "I got invited to go to a summer camp. Her best friend was also going and came up to me to talk about it. Then Lissandra accused me of stealing all her friends, and spreading rumors about her and her crush. Her crush had also come up to me since we were friends, he didn't like her and wanted to complain about that to me."

David gives me a thumbs up from behind the camera, and I continue.

"She sent me texts, calling me names, lying about me, getting mad at both me and Saorise when Saorise took middle ground. It was terrible. Saorise kept telling me to go to the police, that's something I regret not doing, getting a restraining order, because from there it only got worse. There was a time I went over to her house for a sleepover, and we were messing around with pictures and she posted them. She said we looked like a couple and I asked her what was so bad about it. She said she wasn't a lesbian, and me thinking maybe she had forgotten reminded her I was a trans guy. She said that because of my." I stop, trying to relax myself. "Because of my parts, I'm female, whether I liked it or not. We love some fun transphobia from friends, don't we?"

We take another break, longer this time. We have water and a snack, reference some dumb inside jokes from high school, then we go back to film the last part.

"In eighth grade her and her friends would follow me around, harassing me, laughing at me. They did it in class too, but they were sneaky. Me and one of my friends, he's not here right now, called her ogre. We put up with it for the rest of the year. Saorise once got really annoyed by it and yelled at her. Luckily, in ninth grade all she did was shove me in the halls a few times." I laugh. It's not that funny, but it was nice to have a break from what she usually did. "I learned a lot from her. I learned not to take anyone's crap, to stick up for who I am and what I can do, and even though the harassment happened in high school, by one of her friends, I stopped just letting it. I stopped being the goody two shoes little girl and started being the thick skinned guy I am now. I'll admit, I still have my days, I'll admit, I still get upset, but now I don't just sit there and take it. And neither should you. I'll admit whatever now to help you"

They all join me in frame. "Next week will be part two on Elijah's story 'Red Flags and I'll Admit.' We all hope this helps people, no matter the situation. Message us at any time if you have questions. Toodles!" Timothy ends the video, turning off the camera. I'll admit, it helps to speak out. I'll admit, admittance is hard.