What I Want

Chapter 3

Do you ever just wake up and ask why? Just why? Why can't I run? Why couldn't I keep my leg? Why can't this cancer go away? Why did I have to get it in the first place?

Why?

Well today I woke up and I just feel done. This 8% chance of living I've been given... it's ridiculous. I'm just done.

I sat in my room reading, listening to music and watching the rain for most of the day.

I read three books cover to cover before I got tired of reading.

------------- four hours later ------------

I need to get out of this house.

I went to the kitchen to get the car keys and I drove to a small coffee shop. I ordered some pumpkin spice coffee and worked on some online school.

A little boy was staring at me, he was probably around five years old.

He came up to me and said, "Molly looked just like you, she didn't have hair either, it's ok."

I couldn't believe it, Molly must be his sister. I felt like crying.

"Molly was eighteen when she went to live with God." The little boy said.

I couldn't even respond to the little boy, I had a lump in my throat and it was blocking my words.

"I'm sorry," I barely squeaked out.

"It's okay, at least now she isn't in pain, she used to cry a lot." The boy said.

"I'm so sorry." I said and the boy's Mom took the boy's hand and said, "I'm sorry sweetie."

"It's okay." I said and got back to my online school work.

After the coffee shop I decided to drive around for a little while and play some music. In a way I guess I got lucky because I kept my right leg and I can still drive pretty well.

I made a quick visit to the grocery store to get some snacks for the rest of the week and then I went home at 10 o'clock at night, thirty minutes before my curfew. I don't even really need a curfew because I don't really do much outside my room, let alone outside the house.

When I got home I got right back to my questionings. Why? Am I depressed? Probably... I have been before, but it's not often enough to be diagnosed, at least that's according to the doctors.

But sometimes I really wonder. Why couldn't I be a normal teenager? I'll never go to Prom... I'm not aloud. I'll never know what it's like to see my classmates senior night for sports. I'll never run again, that is still the worst part. If running one more race would kill me, you better believe I would run that race and love every second of it.

But really.... why?

I fell asleep wit that three letter word hanging infinitely in my mind, burning and unanswered.