Blessed With A Curse

Rehab Diary (Ch. 15)

*Sammi's Diary*

Day 1: Got my first dose of methadone today. No drugs here so I can't try anything. I can't see Max, they won't let me. Welcome to hell.

Day 2: Can't believe I've been dope-free for two days. It just goes to show you how far people will go to help someone they love. Wait, do they love me? How can they even like me?

Day 3: This withdrawal is killing me. It's like shock therapy to my guts. I need my Max. Where is he? Why won't they let me see him?

Day 4: My body is cracking in a million different places. I didn't know my body could be so fragile, actually fragile doesn't even begin to describe how it feels.

Day 5: I'm sick as a dog and nothing they do is helping me feel better. We have group therapy everyday, but I can't bring myself to speak because every time I open my mouth I vomit.

Day 6: I'm going fucking insane. I need Max and Ash, and everyone. But they don't need me. They told me Max didn't want to see me. They told me no one has ever showed up to visit. I'm alone in this fight, how am I going to get better I have nothing to help me push myself forward?

Day 7: I can't believe I'm clean. I just wish Max was here to see me.

Day 8: I look in the mirror and I'm looking better everyday. I wish I could see how Max is doing, the though of getting to see him in the end is the only thing keeping me motivated.

Day 9: The parasites are panicking.

Day 10: I amazed that I'm alive.

Day 11: Finally talked in group therapy. 

I said, "we're all alive, that's something to be proud of." 

They cheered for me but I don't know why.

Day 12: I'm going fucking insane. I miss Max. I miss Ash. I miss Andy, Jinxx, CC, Jake, Dahvie, Jayy, Robert, Craig, Austin, Jen, Taylor, and Ashley. 

They don't care about me.

Day 14: Dope-free for 14 days, it's hard to believe that I've come so far from where I was to where I am now.

Day 15: I haven't been sick from withdrawal this past week and I'm feeling good. I hope this is the part that lasts.

Day 18: Three day ago I said I was feeling good... Now I'm having urges for heroin occasionally. I just wish Max was here to help me.

Day 20: The urges come and go but I have no drugs here or anyway to get drugs. I hope I won't have these urges when I get out I there. When do I get out of here?

Day 27: These people are up my ass, demanding me to write everyday in this damn diary. There's nothing much to say.

Day 33: One month done! Just 5 more to go...

Day 35: These people are killing me. I'm going insane with not being able to see Max or Ash or anyone else. Where are they when I need them most?

Day 42: My dreams haunt me. I can't eat or sleep or drink.... Every time I fall asleep I have nightmares of Max and I dying from the drugs. Or another dream is that Max and I are kicked out of the BVB mansion and we have to live on the street with no one but ourselves. 

I can't bring myself to eat anything, being separated from Max is killing me.

Day 48: I've been talking in the group therapy now.... I don't trust the people there so I don't talk a lot, but Janet said that I won't be able to leave without being cleared by the shrink... So I have no choice.