Hate Love

CHAPTER 1 & CHAPTER 2 :- Making of The Villian

 CHAPTER 1

AT PRESENT:-

HI my name is Raven I am 20 and not so good looking guy My life is nothing more than hell right now everything seems to be dusky and dizzy and I feel stuck plz help me  the Elderly gods I need your help to get out of this I am tired of being stuck it hurts and is painful the pain is immense and can't be described in words all I see in my life at this point of time is darkness and blank . I hate my self at times and that's a feeling that I am not able to get over and all this gives me hyper anxiety talking to people whom I don't know or want to is giving me stress . Honestly I don't like talking to people anymore I only want to talk to limited people. There is actually a certain type of people who when come near me it gives me anxiety and a very bad feeling like hyper tension and I feel like running away from there or just escape from that kind of company its been two years now that I having this kind of things so often from past 3 years and its all is just eating me from inside I don't know where to go or what to do I feel confused and pain not physically but emotional pain and its like never ending. I am in second year law college and things are just getting messier day by day well lets start from the beginning from last 4 years I have been feeling hell lonely I changed 13 schools and I have just have very few friends when I was in class 10th all my friends and all my cousins got themselves a love life but me on the other hand never got one till date after 4 years in single every time I approached someone I got rejected about 15 to 20 times and this continued for 4 years regularly and now I am scared and tired of repeated failure. I don't want any failure in life anymore all I ever asked for was just a simple love life but never could have it and was just always rejected this feeling of being rejected by people can break a person from inside badly it can make you go crazy at times and give you anxiety when every time you think that all your cousins and friends have a love life or at least had an experience and you like a dumb guy never ever had a relationship and this fact really hurts a lot and you feel like dumb and stupid amongst your cousins and friends which gives me tension and stress. But this isn't the only problem its just the 35 percent of my problem the rest is all that lonely feeling and all those voices that I hear at times which yell at me and mostly telling me that you are never good enough.

My life changed a lot in past 5 to 6 years 5 years back I had no worries in my life all these ideologies I have today towards different things is because of my past experiences which were just not that good. All I am with all this pain and hate in me is because of my experiences and I won't cry or crib over it but this is just something I need to get out. Its so funny People judge you when you are not like them and not what they expect you to be they say all that bullshit of friendship but the truth is somewhere in their mind they are already making assumptions about you and judging you when they don't even half of you all they know is the quite and introvert and being a loner and I prefer to keep it that way cause its no use talking to people who don't have Brians people around me are just dumb specially those who are just walking in herd without thinking and using Brians so at times I prefer to keep quite cause horses and donkeys don't run in the same race and I have plenty of asses around me and that's why I am a loner I guess but I guess it cool I have my small are a two to three real friends who are like family . I had experiences in my life which made me think about diffrently about different things for example my views on feminism, on cheating , on adultery, on working of government, and its funny how some asses call you friend but then break the friendship because you have different views on some of the social factors I mea they are ready to give up friendship cause you don't support some of the so called social topics which you feel are fake . I am actually tired of people they wear mask all the time not only during this pandemic but way back before this pandemic...

CHAPTER 2

4 YEARS AGO

I was all into studies and sports I played tennis for school I was in KV Andrewsganj in Delhi in class 10th it was my 11th school ya you heard that right my 11th school I have changed many schools and that's one of the reason I never was able too make much friends well I came to the school 3 years back and class 10th was my fourth year in this school things were pretty nice we just got promoted and I applied for tennis team and I did nice in trials of tennis and got selected there was a girl in my class her name was Siya she used to play tennis too and we had been friends from past one year so I was pretty happy while she was my friend so when she came for the trial she was pretty tensed and I still remember the conversation we had before she went for the trial so I walked up to her and said " hey Siya what's wrong you seem to be tensed what's wrong" she looked at me with a nervous look and said " Raven I am not just sure about being selected I mean priya and Casey have defeated me earlier and my trial is with Casey and that's why I am worried" so I patted her shoulder and said "Hey!! Relax you are gonna do good I know that you are afraid that Casey might be better than you and might win but you have to give it a shot and remember no one can defeat if you enter the court having that you have to win and not just defeat her keep your focus on winning and not defeating her and remember for me you are the best now its sounding more of a boring lecture so just go and do your best and after that we go to canteen" she smiled and said " Thanks Raven you are the best guy I have known thanks for motivating me and surely we will head to canteen after that" she went for the trial she lost the first round but won the second and third round and was selected after both of us went to canteen she ordered noodles and we both shared it and it was nice feeling like she was happy and seeing her happy and having her company made me feel better after a while we walked back to the class in class one of my close friend Azad was sitting in the second last bench I went up to him and sat next to him . He was my only friend whom I trusted that time and till today so we sat down for the class it was geographic class the geography teacher was teaching us about volcanic eruption and as soon as class got over Siya walked out of the class with her girl gang she had two really good friends Nihar and Anya. The main time I had a word with Azad about his relationship as Azhar was my best friend but still I didn't disclose about my feeling for siya so I asked " So azhar how did you get I mean approach Nena for being with you" he had a small laugh and said " its simple I just first became her friend then we got to know each other and we used to like each others company and then I asked her out and she said yes and that's how we got into relationship". Well I was actually impressed I mean azhar and my other friends and class mates were in relationship or at least had some experience about it but me was a newbie I never got a. Chance to get involved in this so I thought of approaching siya the same way so after somedays me and siya went on the tennis court for practice while practicing we both played 5 sets of tennis after that we both sat next to each other talking about our life and future goals she told me that she wasn't sure about what she wants to be but she wanted to study science in future and then after sometime of talking and laughing when she was comfortable I asked " hey siya you know we have so much common by the way do you like my company I hope I am not being a pile on" she smiled and punched on my arm "hey don't say like that you are one of the most amazing guy I ever met and I love your company of-course thats why I come to practice with you" after that we packed our bags and went back to our homes . Trust me that was a day I was happy in a different way it felt amazing I was smiling whole day that day after a few hours I went to meet azhar at his dorm and narrated him the whole story and what siya said and he said " dude that's amazing you and siya would make such a nice pair when are you planning to approach her for relationship ??" I thought for a while and said " well I don't know I am way to scared to approach her face to face I don't wanna spoil the friendship all of this seems to be risky what should I do" azhar said " why don't you text her and tell her how you feel for her ..like a love letter text just express all your feelings and ask her out" I was pretty much convinced by him so after two days on Saturday I did it I still remember the time it was 8 in evening when I texted her this * hey siya its been a long time we have known each other and you know I trust you the most and you trust me I know that you are the sweetest girl I ever met .you are my friend my guide my helping hand for sure . You make me smile and all I want to say is that you mean a lot to me and I would like to have you in my life so will you be my girlfriend??* and her reply came after 20 minutes and she said "I am not sure but okay lets give it a try so ya its a yes" damn I didn't sleep the whole night that day cause all that excitement there was a rush of blood in veins I was happy we had some chat that night she said she was happy being with me and all . on monday when we met in school she said that she wanted to break up I was shocked and broke I had chocolate in my bag which I bought for to celebrate us being together as a gift and she saying I want a break up not only broke my heart but also my trust in her she said she was leaving me and its better we never talk again after sometime like a week or so I came to know that she left me because I was fat and not good looking and she body shammed me amongst her friends but being body shammed as a boy people don't find it wrong but if it was a girl they all would have come over and consoled her and make her feel better but since I was a guy no one came to me and I was brutally hurt actually this is the sad reality of society if a girl is being body shammed its wrong if a boy is being body shammed people are okay with it well anyways it was the first time I got body shammed and my heart broken . But less I knew that its was just the beginning of the journey of hate , journey of people disliking me breaking my trust and heart and making me the way I am today with all this pain and suffering and hate inside