Chapter 1
I stared out the restaurant window as my friends chatted something about the upcoming field trip of our biology class. I couldn't care any less if they talked about the latest upcoming Chris Pine movie, not today. Maybe not ever. Three months ago I would have been in the middle of that conversation talking about Chris Pine until their ears would bleed – three months ago I was happy. I doubt I could feel that way again, not after everything that happened that night. I can't look at my parents in the eyes anymore after what I did.
You are a monster!
My heart skipped a beat, I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent only McDonald's could emit and tried to actually pay attention to my friends talking.
"... two classes at the same time," Ashley, the brunette with the pretty grey eyes at my right, said. She was wearing this ridiculously pink jeggings with a loose camo top and a pair of steel toed Dr. Martins boots which surprisingly looks good on her along with her dark blue beanie.
"No way? With a class our size, Mr. Barry wants to merge with his other class? Is he crazy?" the only guy in our group, Drew, exclaimed. He is wearing a white v necked shirt underneath a black leather jacket, he's trying out the boy-next-door-slash-bad-boy look, what with his light blond hair and blue eyes he's totally rocking the boy next door look and the leather jacket pretty much covers it ,"can he even pull that off? I mean, there's got be, like, 87 students overall, right?"
"Eighty-nine, there would be eighty-nine students going to the field trip," Lina said as she looks up from her phone, her curly blond hair, three shades darker than Drew's, was sticking out of her French braid. She has dark blue eyes that hides behind her black framed glasses – a.k.a. the smart one of the group.
"How would you know that?" Drew challenged her with a raise of his eyebrow.
Lina rolled her eyes and showed her phone, "group update? Mr. Barry made a group in facebook for the field trip? Heard of it?" she dared him with a raise of her own eyebrow, thus inducing a staring contest.
"Seriously, how do you do that?" Ashley complained as Lina and Drew continued their staring contest and scowled as she tried in vain to raise one eyebrow – she's the only one among us who has the disability.
"When's the field trip again?" I chimed in, finally joining the conversation.
"Saturday, three weeks from now," Lina piped without glancing away from their contest.
"So you finally thought of joining us in the real world? Seriously, you dazed away to your own thoughts so much nowadays that one would think you killed a man," I froze for a split second until a door opened bringing in a gust of wind that forced Drew to blink involuntarily.
"I win!" Lina squealed, as she trashed talked with Drew about her victory.
I mentally sighed in relief as the topic about me faded away. They don't know anything about what happened that night. They never knew the horror of what I have done and they never will. I shook my head to chase away the direction my thoughts are going and smiled as I watched them bicker.
They have been my friends since freshmen year. We have done everything together. We laughed. We suffered. We survived high school together and they knew every nook and cranny of my house, they knew every crush and every boyfriend – the boyfriends are not hard since I never had one – I had. My family trusts them and they trust my family, they knew everything. All, except one.
I snap myself out, again, long enough to say goodbye to my friends and go home. I drove slowly, my thoughts taking me elsewhere. Our house was not that far from McDonald's and it took me eight minutes to reach my sanctuary. My room.
I ran up the stairs and closed the door behind me. I took in my surroundings, my room is just like any other conventional room. A bed at the corner with a mismatched bedside table and lamp. A window that overlooks the backyard. A closet full of clothes. A vanity mirror and dresser. All in one side of my room, on the other side is my pride and glory – my books, a wall-to-ceiling bookshelf that is not enough to contain a growing pile of books that can rival Mount Everest.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of literature. This is my escape. The only thing that anchors me to my sanity. It seems like I lose my mind every time I think of what had happened. Every day I would fret as my guilt eats me up. I try not to think about it, it is exhausting to think about it.
A padded down towards my sanctuary picked my choice of escape for the rest of the day. I read until I was sucked into the world of romance, a world where debutantes meet lords and dukes and fall in love. I read until I all but forgot the world I actually live in. I was so caught up in reading that I didn't notice that it was already past dinner until my elder brother, Luke, stormed into my room shrieking like a banshee.
"How many times do we have to keep on calling you?! Dinner's ready minutes ago!" startled, I fell off my bed so ungracefully that my brother forgot he was mad at me and burst out laughing, "How lame can you get?" he snickered and crossed his arms.
I got up and glared at him, "Knocking would be nice?"
"Yeah, and so is eating. Come on, I'm starving," Luke said.
"Sorry, I was reading," I shuffled outside my room towards the dining room with my brother right behind me.
I ate dinner fast. I want to go back to my cave and finish my book. I put my plate at the sink but before I could take a step outside the dining room, my dad said something that made my heartbeat pound in my ears.
"Did you tell them today? About what happened?" everything became silent, I froze in my tracks and willed my heart to calm down.
Without turning, I said, "No."
"When will you tell them? How long can you keep this a secret from your friends?" my mom asked.
"Indefinitely," I answered and ran up to my room, my mom's voice drowned by my heavy footsteps.
I slammed my door shut. If I tell them they will hate me and I can't risk that. They will never forgive me and I will be alone.
I walked to my dresser and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My dark brown eyes looked black at the lighting in my room, as black as my hair – my grandmother, my mom's mom, is a Filipino. Luke and I inherited her black hair but I was the one who inherited her brown eyes, my brother, like my dad, has green eyes and tall stature. Unfortunately, I got my height from my mom. My 5'2 height gives me a good opportunity to wear heels, on the down side, I hate wearing heels, so I stick to wearing my ratty old converse. My hair is wavy and it rests just above my elbows. My fair skin tone looks pale as sheet right now and below my eyes hang big bruise-like eye bags (ugh! I need some sleep). Turning away from the mirror, I sat on my bed and contemplated on tomorrow's agenda. School. I stared at the clock on my night stand and felt my eyes widen. It's almost nine! I need to sleep, pronto!
I showered and did my evening rituals. I lay down on my bed and stared at the Christmas lights at my ceiling. It's off now but it looks amazing whenever I turn them on – I worked my butt off just to put those babies there.
I rolled to my side and thought of how things would have been if only that night didn't happen. I sighed and chased away those depressing thoughts, no good will come on dwelling in the past. I closed my eyes and tried to think of happy thoughts and fell into the abyss of my subconscious mind.
