Conflicted Love

Chapter 1

I took off my hat, my coat, and boots and set them neatly by the door. I went to the kitchen to grab a cup of tea. I always seem to resort to tea after days like these. I sit down at the table, I just pounder at my mind. I think about everything that happened between us. The late night talks, our small dates, your soft lips. I can't have any of it. I never could. I wish I would of listened to myself in the beginning.

I grab my tea and pour sugar in it. I need to relax. I need to sleep. I've cried nonstop today. I don't want to start again. Your gone. Your not coming back. I have to force that into my mind everyday. You were such a big part of me. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you were the better half of me. You saved me from my demons, yet, I couldn't save you from yours. I decided to take my tea to bed.

"What the hell do you want! I've tried. I've tried so hard for you. For us. I can't take this anymore! I just can't!" He turns on his heels and started to walk towards the window. "Your a coward. And selfish coward. All you think about is yourself! How depressed and miserable you are. How the world hates you. You close yourself off. You never let anyone in. You never talk to me! Yet I pour out my feelings for you! You are a selfish asshole! That's what you are!" Tears start rolling down my cheeks. I take another swing at the Bud Lite next to me. "I am a coward? I am a coward! Want to know something that's cowardly? When you make someone feel like shit, when you make them want to die!" That's it. I didn't even realized what I had done. I threw it against the wall. I broke the vase. The beautiful flower vase that we picked up in England one year. It was shattered. All around my feet. Blood trickled from my toes. And I just stare. "Maybe if you had talked to me, I would of known." I try to talk calmly. "That's all your going to say to me? Maybe you should of known? This is.. I can't speak to you. I can't talk to you." He seethes. He walks away. I am stuck here. With broken glass, and blood pouring out of my feet. I don't realize what just happened. And I curl up into a ball on the floor. I cry. It's gone. He's gone.

I wake up. I am soaked in sweat. Or maybe it's tears. I can't really tell. I don't want to move. I have this dream over and over again. Every time, I wake up and can't breathe. I throw my head back down on the pillow, and I lay there. Thick silence fills the room. The dreams are so real, it's like I'm reliving them over and over again. He doesn't realize what he has taken from me. He doesn't realize what he has done to me. He never will. I reach over, and place my hand on his pillow. A trace of innocence and his scent still lays there. I've been alone for over three years. I've separated myself from everyone. I am truly alone. After lying there for about an hour, I get up and go to the bathroom. I don't realize how bad I look until I see my reflection in the mirror. I've been crying, and hadn't even realized it. I brush my hair out. I guess it makes me look a little better. I checked my phone. No new messages. Typical. I prefer to be alone. I've started ignoring people a few months ago. I don't really speak to anyone. My emotions, stories, and laughter has already been sucked dry out of me. I feel nothing. And it feels great. I walk down to the kitchen, and I take some beers out of the fridge, I gulp the first one down. Then the second. Now the third. I like getting drunk. It numbs me from the pain. The happiness that was taken from me three years ago. I walk over to the couch, and just lay down. I close my eyes and fall into a dreamless sleep.

(This chapter was short. I'm sorry. Also, people have asked a lot of questions, just by the preface. I think it's very sexist to think that only the men get drunk, and angry. Girls get that way too. You just don't always see it end up that way. I hope this was okay. :)