Carpe Noctem - cash au -

I Am Because We Are

Nash POV

I get home and rush inside, I run up the stairs and lock myself in my room. I turn off my phone and lie down on my bed with my face buried in my pillow. My mind is racing playing the conversation I heard over and over again in my head. I don't want to cry but the tears come out on their own, soaking my pillow.

I'm in disbelief. Cameron and I have literally been spending all of our time together, I would have noticed if something was off or different. But my mind wanders to the time when I wasn't going to school and Cameron was. Did he meet someone during that time? But he never seemed like he was hiding anything, I always have full access to his phone, we shared our passwords to everything. I sit up and pull my laptop on my lap. I don't feel guilty as I log into Cameron's email, his twitter, his instagram, everything. I scroll through his DMs and emails going back months and there's nothing, nothing incriminating. But Cameron is a smart boy, he wouldn't leave anything there to be found by me. What if he has a second email or something?

Tears are still falling, they're now soaking my shirt. I throw my laptop back on my bed and I flop back, staring up at the ceiling. I don't know how much time passes, I just stare, the tears fall and I sniffle pathetically. I feel like such a fool. I feel like all my dreams and plans have been shattered. Anytime I looked to my future, it was always with Cameron. But how can we recover from this? How can I move on?

I can't. I don't want to. I want Cameron, but he's obviously been cheating on me, so he clearly does not want me. Maybe he's grown bored of me, maybe he fell out of love and only stayed with me out of pity. He clearly wanted to be alone during the conversation, he lied about having to go to the bathroom just to take that call.

I rub my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears but I can't. My mind is still racing going through scenarios, thinking about who stole Cameron from me. He's bisexual, maybe it's a girl. I try to think hard about the conversation, replaying it in my mind. I convince myself that it's a female voice I heard on the phone. Maybe he doesn't want to be with a guy anymore. Maybe he wants to be the dominant one in the relationship. I always thought that Cameron enjoyed his role in our relationship. Fuck, I gave myself to him and I'm starting to regret it. I shake my head at myself, I shouldn't regret what made me so happy.

I think about going back to the school, forgiving Cameron and begging him to stay with me. Maybe if I change he'll want to stay with me. I sit up abruptly and decide to do that. I don't fucking care what happened, I'll convince Cameron that he only needs me and I'll forgive him. I'm about to leave my room when I stop.

"No. That's fucking pathetic, Nash. Get yourself together," I tell myself and I lie back down on my bed. I feel so conflicted. I literally can't imagine my life without Cameron in it. Maybe we can remain best friends, but that would just be miserable for me. I'll always love him, I'll always want him.

A clean break. That's what is best for me. I won't talk to him, I'll block him on everything, I'll try to move on with my life. I have Lacrosse, my family and my friends. That's all I need.

I'm still crying, I can't stop. My heart is weeping because I've lost the love of my life. Sudden banging on my door jerks me out of my trance. I fucking forgot Cameron has keys to my house.

"Nash! Don't fucking do this, baby. You have to let me explain!" He's yelling as he bangs on my door.

Explain? What is there to explain? I'm not your only baby.

I want so desperately to get up and open the door and hug him and kiss him and forgive him. But I can't. I need a clean break. I reach over and grab my iPod, I place the earpiece in my ears and turn on my angry playlist.

"Nash! Please listen to me, I'm not cheating-"

I turn the volume higher and higher until I drown out the sound of Cameron's voice. I close my eyes and it takes all of my will power to not get up and open the door for Cameron.

Doesn't he deserve the opportunity to explain? He was there with me every step of the way through my recovery. I could not have done it without him. I love him, I know he loves me, he shows it everyday.

Hours pass. I don't know how many but I finally take the ear buds out. Everything is quiet. I guess Cameron gave up and left already. I can't help but feel a little disappointed. I wanted him to fight harder for me. I take a look at the clock and realize I have an hour and a half before my first lacrosse practice at 5:00pm. There's no way I'm skipping it, it's my only outlet, my sole stress reliever now that Cameron is gone.

Tears start to fall again at the thought of Cameron no longer being in my life. I look out of my window, across to Cameron's room. The lights are off, maybe he went back to school, or maybe he went to see he's other baby now that he's finally free of me.

I feel so rejected and confused. I feel like if I see him, my wall will crack and I'll go running back to him. But he's everywhere. He's my neighbor, we have all of our classes together, we now have the same group of friends.

What am I going to fucking do?

My stomach growls, I need to eat before Lacrosse. I need fuel so I don't fuck anything up. I grab my phone and contemplate turning it on but I decide to leave it off for now. I look at myself in the mirror, I look like shit. My eyes are red and swollen, my face is splotchy, my nose looks irritated. I go into my bathroom and wash my face before heading back into my room and opening the door to the hallway.

I almost trip over something and I stumble but I'm able to get my balance back. I turn to see what was in my way.

It's Cameron.

A/N- Should I post the next part? Or Nah? I like comments. I like them a lot! ;-)