The Letters

GOLDEN

I'm ready now.

I started this year the same as I do every other. Feeling as though there was a part of me I had yet to discover. Feeling as though I wasn't yet complete. When I found you, I thought I would finally be whole. But I wasn't. It pains me to admit it, but believe me when I say it was at no fault of your own. I can't explain why I feel the way that I do; hopeless, broken. There are some things that cannot be explained and the inner workings of my mind are one of them.

You are so golden. You are the light, you are the stars. I've always felt like the shadow of your bright sun. Being with you brought a light to my life. But, you were way too bright for me. There was no way I could ever measure up to be the person that you believed I could be. You were scared because hearts get broken. I was scared because mine already was.

The distance I put between you and I was devastatingly necessary. I didn't want to be alone. But I needed to find that missing piece. And I think I might have found it. I've slowly come to realize that the parts of me I was afraid to let shine are the parts of me that are the brightest. I've been showcasing the dull and dim side of who I was for too long. I was hopeless, broken. But I need to embrace every part of me. Hiding part of your identity because you're afraid you'll be shut out is no way to live. No one needs a label, no one needs to to conform, no one needs to be anything but themselves.

To tell you the truth, I don't wanna be alone. I didn't want to tell you this, but I'd be lying if I said I was okay. Part of the journey in self discovery is being alone. Learning who you are, accepting who you are. To truly discover these things I need to separate myself but fucking hell it's scary. I can feel it take hold. But I can also feel you take control. You've always taken hold of who I am and all I've ever known until now...

You are so golden, but you're also so scared. We're the same, you and I. I've begun to find myself and that is when you started to push me away. I know why you're scared. It's because I'm open. You are scared because I'm so open. Despite the fact that you're the light and the stars, you aren't happy. It's not what you want. It's who you've been told to be. Who you've thought you needed to be.

It's okay.

I know you're scared. But I'm hoping someday you'll open up. I hope someday you'll realize that you are free. You are free to be whoever you want to be. Just as I've realized for myself. Now that you know I don't want to be alone, maybe you won't want to be either. I've realized it now. Loving you is the antidote.

You are free to be open. You are free to be golden.

Sincerely,

the Shadow of your Sun