I'm done. I've had all I can take. First my wife leaves, takes the kids, then my mother dies. I can't do anymore. My fingers tremble as I load the .45 LC and I start to cry as I pop the cylinder into place. I text my, now ex-wife, "tell the kids I love them." I dont bother to wait for her reply. Even if she does, it doesn't matter anymore. I put the barrel in my mouth and taste metal. This is the end. I pull the trigger. In an instant, I feel the bullet pass through my brain and I collapse almost immediately. My eyes close and I succumb to darkness.
Darkness.
Dark is all I see. Just endless dark. I look into the void and all I see is... nothing. Nothing at all. Just the dark and the sounds of silence. I scream, but no sound comes out. Out of the dark a voice comes to me. "How could you..." it sounds like my wife. She sounds like shes been crying. Suddenly I hear my son and daughter, they're crying too. My son is screaming, and beating the walls and his sister is breaking down and trying to calm him at the same time. I try to talk, to tell them I'm sorry, I'm sorry it came to this, that they have to see it. I still dont hear my own voice. I cry, but feel no tears. I hear my mother, singing me a song as a child, I hear my father, yelling but doing the best he can. I hear myself, younger, convincing my dad to buy the red Ryder bb gun, and my mother firmly saying "No." I hear myself playing with a toy train and crying when it breaks. I hear my parents teaching me to ride a bike. I hear all my friends from my childhood telling me to just jump down, it doesnt hurt. I can almost feel my second grade teachers breath on my neck as she tells me I have to stay for detention. I dont hear, so much as sense, the sound of my first girlfriend rejecting me after a night at the movies. I cant feel my fingers, or my toes. All I feel is dark, and nothing else. I scream again. Louder. Still nothing. Is this hell? Am I to relive my life over and over until the end of eternity? Not even in picture but just in sound? I hear my own voice, telling my wife that we'll make it, even if I have to sell my motorcycle. I dont care what it takes, we're going to make it. That was our first apartment, and the night we conceived our first child, a daughter. I remember seeing her for the first time, and holding her tiny body and thinking "this is what lifes about." I hear her first cry and I remember crying too. I want to fall to my knees, beg the powers that be for another chance. But I cant. I dont have knees. I'm just a concept, drifting through the endless void that is the end of life. I want to cry, to scream, to yell and beg and pray but all of those things feel so far away. I scream in anguish "IS THIS IT?!?!" but no sound escapes and there is no reply. I am alone. This is death. No beginning, no end, no middle. Only the endless, oppressive darkness. And the voices. They've all gotten so loud. None of them cease. I hear more of my life; my marriage, my divorce, my mother's final breath, and the gunshot that ended my life. They're all so loud. I beg it to stop but nothing heeds my cries. I want to clasp my hands over my ears, something, anything to make this horrible sound of my own failed life dissipate. I begin to hear things I dont remember. Things that havent happened yet. I hear my wife, drinking and crying. I can hear the clink of the wine glass as she sets it on the counter. I hear my daughter scream into a pillow and beg me to come back. I can't sweetie. I'm sorry. I hear my son, silent but angry. Angry at me for leaving him here. Angry at himself for not seeing it. I can feel his resentment toward me and everyone around him. Please be strong, son. I love you. I hear my wife talking to her friends, saying she should have never left, that it was her worst mistake. I hear my son, trying to play guitar but he cant stop crying. And my daughter. Sweet, beautiful Jamie. She doesnt know what to feel, besides crippling sadness. Shes never felt a sadness so deep, so harsh. It feels like a rusty blade planted in her heart. I want to hold her, to wipe her tears away. I'm so sorry...
It all stops. All in an instant, the sounds stop and I feel myself drop. I hear the distant sound of beeping and what sounds like the shuffling of feet. The beeping... where have I heard it? It sounds like...
A bright white light burst into my vision. Heaven?
No. Hold on
Ceiling tiles, and the sounds of a heart monitor. that was the beeping. Suddenly I feel my limbs again. I try to open my mouth but I'm stopped by what feels like an oxygen mask. I look around and see more. I only have the use of one eye. My head hurts and my mouth tastes like metal and medicine. But I'm alive. God damn I am ALIVE. "Dad?" I hear jamie say. "DAD!! HES AWAKE!!" She burst into tears as she leans into my field of vision. I reach up to pull off the mask. My hands are like lead, but i manage it anyway. A doctor appears and puts it back on "let's not get ahead of ourselves, Steve. Just hold on, let me look at your vitals." My wife and son appear next to my daughter and I can see they've been crying. "You selfish ass!" My wife says, but she hugs me and cries into my shoulder. My son looks at me, his eyes red and puffy, then looks away. I try to talk. It's so hard. I manage a few words before the doctor makes them back away. All I can manage is, "love you all." In their place, a nurse appears and she starts to arrange my IV's properly, but I see them all smile through their tears. My eyes close and I smile. Alive. I made it. That wasn't death, but a coma. Thank god. I made it...
