ice cold? !?!?!

November 22. 9:00 pm

Well i dont understand why im writing in this this thing cuz everytime i try to write in one of these i dont get past the third entry but oh well so im gunna start by tellin you about me ....well my name is ashley nichole "gray".... and ima list some things about me

Me...

Fav colors- red (because its the color i long to see flowing from my wrist) black (because its the color of the hole inside me) purple (because its the color i see before i get curage that makes me no longer me)

Addictions- (somewhat hard to ammit that i have any but i do) cigs (because i like the way they calm me i like the way the smoke fills me up i like the way the smoke flows think over my tounge the way it dances inside my lungs) weed (because it is my escape from the depression that trys to chush me in to a million peices) ice (i like eating it because i like how it numbs my insides and how it feels like im chewing glass i like how no matter how many time the sharpness of the ice tries to make me bleed it just melts away leaving me un cut and un pained) pill ( pain pills that is ..i dont take them often just when life gets to hard to bare when memories intrude in places the shouldnt helps me feel in controll to know i have a way to escape this life and its pains) blades ( i like the way the fell as the slice through my flesh i like the way it makes the pains i feel form my past feel real and i like the way the scarlet liquid flows from me i like the warm feeling on my wrist)

Places -(i like and dislike) nanas house (the only house that has been constent in my life that no matter what happens ill always no its there an that the people inside have always been there no matter how bad things got) memaws grave(love the way i feel conected to her love the memories that flood back to me from the childhood i barely got to see) dads house (hate the way it makes me feel unwanted and unloved hate the horrible pains it shoots into my heart)

Faimily- mother ( loving in her own way but always made me feel like i came in second to her other to kids and what ever man she was married to at the time and always trying to find her next release of pain her next pill) father( if he can be called that he is nothing more than a serm donor to me lived wit him most of my preteen years .. unloving disconected ...)

Older sister( loving but always feels like she hates me just as much as she loves me) younger sister ( loving and sheltered unaware of the crule world) bother oldest of three younger ( close and loving but having worse ADHD than me he has his own deamons) brother middle of three younger ( country loving but never really close) brother younger of the j (shelttered but loving) stepdad or soon to be ( nice and the father figure i never had) step brother ( dont really know what to say about him)

Well thats enough for now ill write again soon i think this time im going to write alot more ....

12:30 am

Well cant sleep ... cant stop my mind frome wondering to unwanted places but the dull ache in my wrist helps somewhat school tomorrow is not something id say would be fun since i only have one friend that attends the school with me and even she isnt enough to make me want to drag my self ii of bed to go .... id rather sleep away the day and pray that i dont get stuck in my own head were all the painful memories stay locked away well i guess i need to sleep its getting late

# ready to get this over with !