5 Year Mark

MOVE ASIDE, DARLING.

 August 26, 2020.

So , as I sit here and listen to my boyfriend of nearly 4 years scream at his game , I have so many things that are going through my mind. I honestly wish I could go back in time and reverse some of the things that have happened in my life. Even though I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, it still sucks certain things couldn't have played put differently. I guess that's the universe kicking my ass, as always. I've never had the best of luck in life, in fact I've had the shittiest luck you could imagine. Things just never play out in my favor, and its been that way my whole life. Whether its me, and my pissy attitude fucking everything up or just some mysterious force out to get me, things will never go how I want them too. And to be real, that would be okay if things could at least went well with you. However, that's not the case, and things could never go back to the way they were.. It makes me so sick to my stomach sometimes, and brings so many tears to my eyes, but everyday I've been learning to live without you.. Certain days, the pain is unbearable not being able to hear your voice, and I just want everything to stop.. I miss you, I try so hard to keep it in, but the feelings just never faded away.. I'm sorry I can't forget you and I swear I try so hard everyday to stop thinking of you, but it never fails to find you lingering in my mind..No matter what I'm doing, or where I'm at, you always end up in my head and its so fucking hard to get you out of it. I hate you , I hate you oh I hate you.. Maybe not even you, I guess just the ways things turned out.. Anyways, here's some food for thought.. If you had a time machine, would you go back and change time? Its definitely something to think about. 

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July 12th, 2021. 

So many things have changed since I wrote that last paragraph in 2020. I've grown so much in the last month, than i have in a whole year. I realize that life is just completely unfair, and sometimes you have to deal with the bullshit that it decides to throw at you, until you're finally allowed to do what you are destined to do. At the end of the day, it's always questionable about our purpose is in this world. All you can do is live through it, and learn as you go. For whatever reason, I wrote that very emotional paragraph about my boyfriend, of 5 years now. We've had our ups and downs, and that's what made our bond with each other even stronger, however as you read my intro from 2020, things obviously weren't going to well with us. And right now, in this moment, I'm working so hard to prove to this man I truly love and care about him. In the last 4 months, I left him a total of 5 times. And this last time, was enough to show me he is all I want in my life. I realized I am in need of his love, which is one of a kind that you won't find anywhere else in this disgusting world of love. It could have been so much uglier, all the little mistakes we both made against one another. But, i decided it was enough, and left.. Many, Many times. It wasn't right. Loyalty always comes before love, and I threw it all away because my mind was making up crazy scenarios about my future. I didn't feel like he was right for my future, but that's where i messed up. I needed to be thinking about OUR future, and not just mine. Sometimes, you have to get it through your head that it's always about you. That goes for many situations in life and one of the main reasons people clash against one another. 

When you see something from only one side of the story, you're not receiving all the necessary information to make a accurate decision. One missed detail can change your whole aspect on something. And I have fallen victim to a situation like that, with the love of my life. Now, I'm fighting for what was once mine, because I was selfish and only thought of me. Even though he gave me another chance, doesn't mean what was done can be fixed. He could still leave me, because of all the pain this relationship has caused him lately. The stress alone is a reason to leave, therefore I've been working so hard on myself to take all the pain away and only give love, not hate. I love this man, and if you love yours all i can say is don't let anyone or anything influence you to make choices that say otherwise. A person can only take so much before they are done. 

Thanks for reading, this is a real thing that is going on in my life. I'd like to share my story to help and show my support for other females or men going through relationship problems. Boy I've had many, and i went through it alone. I don't want that for the next person. So, if this helped you in some way I'm truly thankful to have made a difference, again thank you for anyone that took the time to read this. Like, comment share and even message me about what you think, constructive criticism is welcomed as well