Less Than Perfect

{13} Not Your Doll

Kanza Hadad

Amira and Tanwir decided to spend the night with me. There was no way in hell that Tanwir would let his little sister stay here without him or Damon, so he volunteered to sleep on my couch while we stayed in my room. 

A part of me felt relieved like a weight was lifted off my shoulder, taking the troubling burdens with it. I felt as weightless as clouds by the presence of my friends, that they would stay with me to ease the trembling fear that grew within. If Dayyan came once, he could very well come again. 

His wild, lust-crazed eyes still burned my memories, tarnished the happiness I was beginning to feel, the genuine elation I finally saw in my horizon. Instead, he came into my life and ripped my healing to shreds, violently tearing apart any faith I had left in men like him. 

I glanced at Amira's laying figure on the floor, her voice a hushed whisper as she spoke to her husband. She was on her back, staring up at the ceiling as the moonlight caressed the curve of her smiling lips, a sparkle in her brown eyes, and her gaze seemed faraway like she was right there beside her small family. 

Her laughter was soft like a feather whisking across my skin. "Is Yusuf asleep?" she asked before quirking into another smile. "Damon, you'll be fine. Yes, I know you miss me. No, there's no need for you to come. Tanwir is here. Please tell me you properly changed his diaper."

A muffled response came through her phone. 

Amira groaned. "Oh, be quiet. I have plenty of trust in you. It's just that sometimes..." she trailed off, meeting my eyes in amusement. 

"Hey, Damon," I called out from my bed, turning on my side to face Amira on the makeshift bed we made. "Your wife is telling you that you lack the ability to do anything without her guidance."

I faintly heard a 'not true' from her phone as Damon spiraled into his defensive mode. Falling back on my pillows, heartfelt laughter escaped my lips, releasing the qualms of darkness that surrounded me only moments before. Hearing the banter between some of the closest people in my life made it seem like the events earlier didn't happen, like it was a nightmare, like I still managed to keep my chastity. 

But it did happen. 

My smile evaporated just as Amira hung up on her husband's call. Suddenly, a cold chill ran up my spine, crawling terror causing the hair on my arms to stand up. Dayyan's smirking face came to view as if he were above me, and I instantly tensed, blinking my eyes back to the darkened room.

My fingers grasped at the white sheets beneath me, the blanket of ice freezing my mind in a state of panic as fragments of Dayyan's hands and lips embedded a seed into the grove of my peace. I wanted to scream, to beg that the memories disappear, that I could drift away further and further until I was numb. 

Ya Allah, when will this pain leave? When will I forget?

Truth was, none of it could ever be forgotten. No matter what I did, it would haunt me for the rest of my life. All I could do is endure the pain, endure the heartache as I lived my life. How I wished I could erase Dayyan from my life. 

"Hey, Kanza?" asked Amira, her voice a tender touch to the chaos inside. "Do you want to talk about everything some more?"

I didn't. I wanted to forget. 

"Kanza?"

But I couldn't keep hiding. "I think... I mean I think we should," I sighed, throwing an arm over my eyes as I fell deeper into the mattress. "Amira, will this pain ever go away?"

"I can't say," she whispered in defeat. "But I know your strength, and I know what you are capable of. Maybe the pain of what happened won't ever leave, but you will grow as a Muslim and a person."