Here We Are (boyxboy)

Here We Are part 3

I tried to open the door as quietly as possible, praying that he was passed out on the couch. I tiptoed through the foyer. The only way to get upstairs was through the kitchen, which was attached to the family room. I held my breath as I slid by the room.

                My breath whooshed out of me in one breath as I saw my father, fast asleep, on our sagging grey couch. I hurried upstairs, my legs weak with relief. I snapped my door shut and sank down on my bed.

I wouldn’t have to talk. Or eat. Or try to hide my fear- my terror- of my own father. What kind of twisted life did I have if I was terrified to even look higher than the floor when my dad was in front of me.

He wasn’t always like this. He used to be normal, happy. We all did. Me, mom, dad, and Daniel.

Six Years Earlier

“Theo, honey, pass me the peanut butter?” Mom turned towards me, her lazy summer smile the only feature visible under her wide straw hat.

I tossed her the jar, laying back on the blanket and staring up at the blue expanse of sky. I suddenly felt a vice-like grip tighten around my wrist, squeezing hard. I jerked up, staring wide-eyed at my mother.

“You idiot,” she hissed. “You almost hit my nail polish. That shit’s expensive. God, I can’t even believe you’re my kid. Why can’t you be more like your brother? Smart, handsome, strong… you’re worthless. You’re nothing to me.  Now your brother…” Mom let go and turned back around, finishing her pedicure. I sat, numb, until I heard my dad call.

“Ted!” I sat up, looking at where he and Daniel were playing catch with a football along the water.

“Come and throw around the pigskin a bit!” Dad was laughing, but Daniel looked threatening, as if he’d hurt me if I gave the wrong answer.

I cleared my throat. “N-no, I’m good.” Okay. Daniel looked satisfied. He and dad went back to tossing and catching. I lay back down, folding my arms under my head and wishing on the sun.

Present Day

I sank down, leaning against my bed, my breathing short and shallow. I gripped my bedspread with my fingers.

Mom was right. I wasn’t worth anything. Nobody wanted me. Dad sure didn’t… Mom hadn’t… she’d chosen Daniel. I was no good to anybody.

The answer popped from its hiding place in the back of my head.

Do it, it whispered. Take yourself out of the picture. You know what to do. You’re no good to anyone anyway. No one will miss you.

I knelt slowly and slid my hand under my mattress, my hand curling around the familiar cold metal of my razor blade. I pulled it from under the bed, staring as the light glinted off the steel.

My breathing was steadier now. I moved into the bathroom (which, thankfully, is attached to my room) and yanked up my left sleeve, my silver scars winking in the fluorescent lights.

I lovingly drew the blade across my forearm, gasping at the sharp pull of pain.

The blood appeared in a thin line, vivid and scarlet against the snow of my wrist. I did it again and again, until I had a new pattern of vermilion stripes decorating me.

I let the blood flow into the sink until it stopped, then leaned against the counter, slightly dizzy from the blood loss. This was my favorite part. As sick as it sounds, I loved the lightheadedness, the feeling like you could fall, any minute, and never stop falling…it was great.

I stumbled out of the bathroom and sank down to my knees. Tears pricked at my eyes and I fought to keep them from falling.

Why couldn’t I stop? I’d promised… I’d promised myself, I’d promised Lucas…

Lucas.

I needed to call him.

I grabbed the phone and dialed the pattern of numbers I knew by heart.

“Hello?”

I choked back a sob as soon as I heard his voice. I couldn’t help it. He was there. He cared.

“Theo? Is that you? Are you okay? Theo, answer me!”

“I-I-I did it again,” I whispered. “I c-couldn’t help it. I was thinking about my mom, and D-Daniel… I couldn’t stop myself.” My breath hitched.

“Are you okay? Was your dad awake? Did he hit you?” Lucas demanded.

“N-no. He’s asleep.”

I heard Lucas exhale into the phone.

“Is he now?”

“Yeah.”

“Come meet me then. Usual place.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay.”