a battle without a mother

"A battle without a mother"

"im in the corner of my room where I can only see is darkness. I wanna shout to release all the pain, I want to tell the world how tiring my life is., I want to rest... "

I was just 8 years old back then when I experienced how hard the life is.

"mama please sama ako sayo sa america ayoko maiwan kay papa at kuya" I remember saying this when I was six, begging my mom not to work abroad but she didn't listen.

we badly need money that time, kasi papa's sahod is not enough to support us but he's always doing his job as a father.

"andito naman si papa mo Akira hindi nya kayo pababayaan ni kuya mo, tapos bibilhan kita ng maraming laruan pag nandun nako, basta magpakabait ka dito anak" she said.

"ayoko ayoko mama kung aalis ka sama nalng ako!!" I shouted while crying.

that time I only think how hard living without a mother. And thinking that bullshit can make me cry until now.

sanay kang nandyan sa tabi mo ang mama mo, sanay ka na magigising ka dahil sa malakas na boses ng mama mo, sanay ka na lagi syang nagagalit dahil sa mga kalat mo. Pero hindi ko naman alam na kailangan ko din palang masanay na wala sya sa tabi ko.

isang malakas na pagbagsak sa kama ang maririnig mo, tunog ng pagkapunit ng damit, pagpupumiglas sa sa katawang bakal na nasa ibabaw at kasabay ng pagbagsak ng luha sa mga mata ay ang paghiling na sana ito na ang dulo. Tama na pagod na ako.

"kasalanan mo ang lahat Akira kaya wag kang mag inarte, hindi dapat nawala si mama dahil sayo, hindi dapat sya namatay dahil sa kaartehan mo, kaya itong ginagawa ko? kulang pa tong pambayad sa lahat ng kasalanan mo!"

yes, my brother raped me so many times. I did so much mistakes when I was six and he punished me for almost 2 years. Seven years old I got slapped many times in front of his friends. Eight years old, he raped me and always saying that I don't deserve to live in this world.

but you know whats the funniest? I called my mama many times wishing her to comeback and protect me again cause shes my protector. Shes the only person that can save me to those evilperson.

my mom died because I ran across the road while crying because I don't want her to leave but then the car almost hit me.

but she saved me...

she saved me and that the reason why I suffer until now.

"mama mahirap kalabanin ang problema pag wala ka, mama sorry kasi ang dami kong kasalanan, mama galit ako kay kuya at galit din ako sa sarili ko... ma gusto ko na ikaw makasama kaya sorry kung dadagdagan ko nanaman yung kasalanan ko ha, im sorry sabay nating bantayan si papa sana hindi sya magalit kay kuya kasi gusto kong magtulungan silang dalawang bumangon. Mama malapit nako antayin moko..."

at pagkatapos ng ilang segundo ang tuluyang pagserado ng mga mata ko.