I Love Antonio

The Church Girl

That night I couldn't sleep I just couldn't stop thinking about what we could be if Tahja wasn't in the picture. I kept asking myself questions like "why me", "why is he cheating on his girlfriend for me". I just couldn't understand after all I was taller, darker, and completely different from him. But yet we link perfectly. After I finally fell asleep around 3:30 am I had a dream about him. We were together holding hands on the green box outside the house. He leaned in and kissed me with his warm and juicy lips. We made out under the stars. Then he groped my butt and pushed me on top of him, and we were grinding. I woke up to Lucy barking to the tv doorbell on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I was so mad I just wanted to know what was going to happen next. I tried and tried to go back to sleep and see if the dream would continue. But it didn't. It was almost 8:00 Sunday morning. Which means Pressie would be coming soon. Pressie is the man that drives the van to church. I went to church every Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I hated the church I went to though. I hated it because I was the only black girl there. They made me feel so uncomfortable like I didn't belong but I loved church so I would go anyway. I guess you could say I was dedicated. I was obsessed with the fact that someone loved me so much he died. To me it sounded like the perfect love, an endless love, a everlasting love. I dedicated myself. I was in everything like church plays, caroling, retreats, missions, and my personal favorite purity class. As a young Christian I felt that like most I should save myself for the perfect man my husband. So I spent the next 9 months taking the class every Wednesday and every Wednesday we read " So, The Bride Wore White". For anyone who didn't know if you are still a virgin to your wedding you where virgin white. Hence the name. Every lesson all sounded the same but I still attended till the very end. At the end of the 9 month class course we went to the "big church". (Adult church) and the preacher called all three of us! Which was Kate, Katie, and I. We would have to go to the front recite our promise to purity and get our official purity rings. You may be wondering who is Kate and Katie. We'll at the time they were my best friends we called ourselves KK&A. We did absolutely everything together, they were my family. Kate or Katelyn Keen was a lot like me. Crazy parents who were wild and we all had weird families. We related in a lot of ways which made us a lot closer. Katie or Kathryn Miller was your typical white girl rich, fabulous, spoiled, and conceded. Yep that was Katie. She was the goody goody of the group. Considering her mom was our Sunday school teacher every year. You may say I'm stereotyping her but no she was rich, & spoiled. Her family bought a beach house in ocean city for vacations, every summer they traveled across country to landmarks just because. But I loved their family, they were my fairy tale life. They were always so happy with a big huge house with a tea room, 3-4 cars, a beautiful dog, and a stable no worries in life. They were who I wanted to be. Maybe that was the reason I went to church because it had work out so good for them and nothing ever worked out for me so why not? I can't count how many times I "saved myself" and rededicated my life to God. I thought the more I would save myself the more he would give me what I wanted. I want love, true, wholehearted love. Not from just anyones love but from Antonio. And I would do anything to get it. After church I would get all dressed up and go straight to Tristan's house. I knew Antonio was always there. We did what we would always do since that night, cuddle. i was thinking to myself that this is so wrong. I made a promise i wasn't going to do this i make a promise to myself and God. So i made a decision that day. I stood up and sat down at the bottom of the bed. He asked if i was ok I said yeah and continued about my day. I had no idea what my day was going to bring though. Around 8:30 that night i had the most uncomfortable conversation with Tristan. I had no idea Tristan had a crush on me. i was kinda disgusted. He just wasn't my type at all! He asked me out that night. I said yes for all the wrong reasons. i didn't want him i wanted Antonio what was i thinking you might ask. I said yes to make Antonio jealous, for him to see that i have other choices, i had to show him that im not going to be the fucking side-chick anymore! I took a stand that night. I was probably going to break a heart or too but i just didnt care. It was kind of funny being that person but horrible being with him. He was so obsessed with me. Let me tell you something we only went out for a week and we argued almost everyday. We argued cause i didnt want to kiss him at all! We argued because i wouldnt tell him that I loved him. We even argued because I wouldnt go to the movies with him that i would of had to pay for! So at the end of that week he sent his little brother Dalton which has to be the most dramatic kid i have ever met, to break up with me. I just laughed, it was so funny. Tristan and i didnt talk to each other after that.