So in Melbourne, this is the second lockdown. We've been in lockdown for 6 months I think, time is kind of a blur at the moment. I thought it would be cathartic to reflect on lockdown lessons. The lessons have been many.
Going into lockdown 1, I was fresh out of a break-up. Needless to say, the extensive time alone, sitting with my own thoughts and facing my own loneliness was so difficult. Heartbreak during normal times is hard, but the distraction of seeing friends or going out, at least in the temporary, help ease the feeling of loss. The emptiness. It's not a feeling I can capture in words, which annoys me because I want to be able to express emotion in word. Life doesn't quite work like that, I guess. The nights were...so loud in a way. I think the echoing in my head was mulling over the good memories, the sad emotion, the denial. But, I did find a strength to create a sense of normalcy, to wake up in the mornings and get my studying done, to try and workout and eat healthy. For the most part, I was able to do that. And emerged the first lesson. When going through a break-up, I'd say a lot of people skip the phase of utter pain, because it fucking hurts. The thing is, though, those conflicted emotions will arise again because they haven't been resolved. Because you haven't sat there, with your loneliness, and let it wash over you until you learn to be comfortable with it. It absolutely kills you, but you free yourself in the long run. The brain needs to process, it needs the time to, and your heart has to give it the courage to work through all of that. In a way, the time in lockdown allowed me to do this. It may have damn well been in a blessing in disguise. I became comfortable in my own company once again, reminded myself that I just need myself. Lesson 1: you only need yourself, which is why you have to be comfortable in your own company.
It got better, as I settled into normalcy and detached myself from those old habits. Lesson 2: you don't always need to be striving for the next big thing. As someone who has a lot of work/career related projects in life, I find it hard to draw a line between work and play, essentially. I have big ambitions that sometimes overwhelm me, and don't allow myself the space and kindness to just calm down, have a night off. With this extra time, I let the pace of my life slow down and allowed myself to do all those self-care things we love to do: baths, candles, face masks, exercise. And this time that I finally invested into myself ending up cutting down time spent on procrastinating or idle time, so in the end, I got that time back (i..e it was not a waste in any way).
Another lesson emerged from this, being that the future is uncertain no matter how meticulously you plan it, so embrace the present moment as the only sure thing you have. Covid-19 taught us that the universe has its own plans, and darling you are just a pawn in its game. That doesn't mean we cannot have goals and vision, but it means we have to have flexibility in life, and accept that it is not regimented. It means that we need to appreciate every moment, take in the present moment, see it, feel it, hear it, allow ourselves to just experience it. If we always live for the next 5 years, we never live a true moment, wholly. That is such a tragedy my friends.
I hope everyone is taking care in this time. Inbox always open <3
