The Time We Have Left ✓

Part 1

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It is strange, that we humans always live like we will never die, stay on earth forever.

It is different to listen to other people when they talk about their illness, you are sad and grateful that you are healthy, but in the end you still don't change anything in your life. The though that it could hit you one day seems very remote. And that's also why the reality hurts.

When it hits you, it's different, you're helpless, lost. All the beautiful moments with your loved ones playing in front of your eyes and the reality burns like fire in your heart.

You will lose everything. You will not experience all the beautiful moments again.

In reality the thought of dying didn't hurt...

In reality, it hurt to leave the people who mean a lot to you. To know that you won't see them again. To know that they will forget you. It hurt not being able to say things for the last time.

The feeling of leaving your loved ones ? Hard, as if thousands of slices were cutting through your skin. It feels like you can't breath.

And here I was, sitting on a bench in park in front of my apartment, sobbing, tears falling uncontrollably. The only words that kept playing in me were those of the doctor.

„ You are dying ."

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My thoughts are everywhere when I put the key in the lock and open the door.

Taking off my shoes, I put them in the free space next to his shoes as always.And I wonder if he would notice if my shoes were missing, if the space next to his shoes were empty.

With quiet steps I move to the living room and the picture that awaited me there brought tears to my eyes again, the tears that I tried hard to suppress. My heart hurts over and over again and the feeling of helplessness and uncertainty only made it worse.

Quietly, leaning against the living room door, I watch my husband play with our 19-month-old daughter, as her sweet giggle fills the room which made the smile on his face wider.

I'm looking at everything carefully, want to save it forever.

My gaze stops at my husband and the guilty hits me like a truck. I will leave him alone in this cruel world, he will be sad because of me and I will never be able to keep my promise that I gave him back then to be there for him forever. Maybe he will also hate me for it.

Finally, a tear leaves my eye, wandering all the way down my face and stopping at my chin.

I do not wanna die.

„ Da-da ...Da-da , come on princess it's not that difficult, Da-da, " he looks at her with expectant eyes, hopes to hear the syllables out of her mouth, which she answers with a giggle.

This time my gaze stops at my daughter and I feel something breaking in me, she is still so young. It's not enough for me to even hold her in my hands, to see her cute little smile every time I fed her, to see the big dark brown eyes that disappear when she laughed, which she definitely got from her father and to hear the words she tries to say.

  So how could I leave her.

My mother always said, „ you will only understand me when you have become a mother, when you hold that bundle of luck in your hands for the first time, " and she was right.

Without a doubt, being a mother is one of the most beautiful things that could happen to me, since the first moment I found out I was pregnant, her love blossomed inside me as she always been there. And then when I first saw her in the ultrasound, that was exactly indescribable. I can still clearly remember how he lightly squeezed my hand as our tears fell, despite the fact that we could only see a small point, it was enough for us to know that the fruit of our love was there.That's why we decided to name her Sarang, Jeon Sarang, the best symbol of our love.

Back then I cried out of happiness, not like today.

I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and try to put the best smile on my face before I go to them.

„ Do you both have fun without mom ? "

„ Mommy is back, " he throws his arms up and gives me his bunny smile, which made me fall in love with him every time. „ How was your day, baby ? " he asks as he takes me in his arms and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

„ It was okay, " I lie to him while I hide my face deeper in his neck. I try not to have eye contact with him, because he knows me best and would immediately understand that something is wrong.

I know that he has a right to know that I will no longer be on his side, but not today, today I don't feel ready for it. The only thing I need from him today is that he cuddles me, so I press myself closer to him, as I hug him tightly.

„ Baby is something wrong ? " he asks worried and tries to break the hug to look me in the face, which I don't allow.

„ A little longer... please, " I say as I cling to him even more.

Please let me enjoy it a little longer, please let me breathe your smell a little longer, please let me feel your strong arms around me a little longer.

Please...

Do not let me go.