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Sometimes no matter how much you try to speak your heart out, words aren't just enough to describe how you truly feel. Sometimes words can't even describe how you feel.
And that's exactly how I feel when I sit in front of the doctor, fumbling with my hands and chew my lips nervously while my entire body is already shaking. It is a mixture of fear, sadness, panic and a little bit of hope that makes my heart beat faster, that puts pressure on my chest.
While I try breathe normally in and out I feel a warm hand embrace mine and his thumb gently caress mine. I direct my attention to my husband, who is sitting right next to me, smiling encouragingly at me, despite his hands shaking as much as mine. At least this time I wasn't sitting alone in front of the doctor. At least he's here next to me.
„ I'm pleased to see you guys here today, " the young attractive doctor says, smiling and straightening his glasses. „ So, after looking at the blood tests and x-rays from last week, I am positively convinced that we can start with the first medications, " he explains as he takes a last look at the documents in front of him.
„ Really ?!, " I breath the air that I have been holding the whole time. „ I mean my doctor said it was already to late, he said that it would not help, that the disease has taken up a large area and ... that I don't have much time left, " I mumble.
„ Is it true that the disease has spread widely, but your blood values are all good and you are at a young age. So why not at least give it a try ? Besides, I've had patients who were in a much worse condition and they made it, so why shouldn't you make it . "
„ I-I don't know, I thought there would be no more hope... I-I'm so happy to hear that, " I whisper while I try to push away the tears that are forming again. „ Thank you doctor. "
„ For what ?, " he asks with a charming smile.
„ For not giving up on me... "
„ That's what I'm here for, " his voice soft. „ I will write down the medication and how you have to take it, you should make sure to take the medication at the same time everyday. There will also most likely be side effects such as nausea, hair loss and loss of appetite, but that shouldn't bring you down, " he explains before taking a short break. „ You should know that the most important thing is that you believe in yourself, because only when you give up on yourself then it is really too late. "
