"I think I'm going to put Winnie down for her nap. She was fighting sleep the entire time we were at your dad's and she's been a bit fussy lately. I think she is teething again." I loosened my tie and hung it off the back of the chair in the kitchen as I walked past. I didnt say anything, I just nodded slowly, unbuttoning my dress shirt as I walked down the hallway. I was stuck in my own head at the moment and there was only way to get that out. "Jim?" I turned on my heel and looked at my wife. She gave me a sympathetic smile as she held Winnie on her hip, lightly bouncing our fussy six month old. "It will be okay. I promise." I let my shirt fall open and leaned against the office door. I nodded again. "I just wish it didn't have to happen to him. To us. It happened to great grandpa. Then grandpa. And now.." I trailed off and took in a deep breath before slowly letting it out. "I just wish there was something I could do." I pointed into my office. "I will be okay. I just need to let off some steam. I'll be in here if you need me." I turned to walk into the room when I heard Nancy speak up again. "Honey." I leaned back out to look at Nancy who had a scowl on her face. "It's not your fault he doesn't recognize you." I scowled back and let my head fall to my chest for a moment, fighting back tears. I slowly looked back up and nodded. "Yeah. Everyone says that. I just wish it felt true." I tapped the door jam twice and then walked into the office, shutting it behind me.
I made my way to couch that sat in front of my big screen tv, turning it on and increasing the volume until I was certain no one could hear me. I flopped onto my leather cushiony happy place and leaned against the back, bringing both hands up to my face as I muffled my yell into my palms. I yelled as much as I wanted until my lungs burned and my throat went hoarse. I caught my breath for a moment or two before slowly rubbing my palms down my face. I let out a huff of air and felt a coolness on my face. I brought my fingers to my face and wiped away tears that I hadnt realized I had let fall. I brought my forearms to my face and wiped it dry. I collected myself and shook the tension out of my body. My eyes fell to the controller on my coffee table, so I reached forward and switched on the xbox, turning down the volume and starting a quick game of Call of Duty. I halfway played a quick bout in Team Deathmatch before I paused the game and fell back against the couch. This wasn't helping. I looked towards the door that led out to the rest of the house. I was a bit short with Nancy. I should probably go out there and help her with the housework. Apologize. I wasnt going to blow off steam like I wanted to. My mind was still flooded with what happened today and my thoughts were starting to become louder than anything I was trying to do to drown them out for a moment. I stood up and turned to grab the remote off the desk to shut everything off when I saw my black leather bound book I had bought for mono jokes laying on top of my favorite mahogany desk. I stared at it for a moment before walking over to my desk and sitting in my chair. I guess there was a way for me to get everything out. I grabbed a pen out of its holder and opened my journal to the first blank page.
January 4
Ive never done this so I'm not really sure what to do. I'm an emotional man who wears my heart on my sleeves so for me to keep things in is a rarity, but I have to. I have a wife and a little girl who depend on me. A sister who, like me depends on humor to be her defense mechanism. And a mother, who like me, know all too well the journey we're about to take. All my girls, who need me to protect them against a number of things. Things that frighten us. Things that threaten us, but mostly, against the things we cannot understand. I am as strong as I need to be on the outside but on the inside, I'm drowning. So, I guess this will be my mechanism. To protect me. From myself. From life. From things I cannot and will not understand. I'm doing this for my family but mostly I'm doing this for me. Just in case I forget. Just in case I'm a little too much like my father. And his father. And the father before him. Speaking of which..
Things were all good yesterday and then the Devil took your memory. If you fell to your death today, I hope that heaven is your resting place. I heard the doctors put your chest in pain, but then that could have been the medicine. Now you're lying in your bed again but either way I'll cry with the rest of them. My mother told me "Son, it's not your fault he doesn't know your face. You're not the only one."
