𝙃𝙤𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙒𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙈𝙞𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙧𝙨 [𝙊𝙉𝙀𝙎𝙃𝙊𝙏]

𝙃𝙤𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙈𝙞𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙧𝙨

Jaemin whimpered again as he looked in the mirror.
What? What could he do to get fatter?
What could he do to remove those unwanted spots on his body? What could he eat to make those sunken eyes go back to being full and those cheeks back to a rosy color just like his family wanted.

He didn't want to wear shorts or tank tops anymore. He doesn't like the way his jeans aren't tight anymore. He hates that he is not what his family wants him to be.
He isn't confident anymore.
He's stressed because why isn't he getting fatter for fucks sake?

He's eaten all that his mother gives him. He doesn't skip a meal. Tries to eat a lot so where the fuck is the skin he wants?

Where is the so-called glow his mother tells him he will get if he eats those vegetables?

Where is the meat he wanted to have on his stomach or the thickness he wanted in his stick-like limbs?

That's what his family calls him and many other names, that hurt even if he doesn't show it.

Stick, soul-less
And other actions that made him wanna never get out of the comfort of his bed.

They grab his wrists from time to time to put their thumb and index finger together as if cuffing him and then they taunted him

"You see this? Please eat something, you're so close to disappearing into thin air."

He knew he was slim and it got to him so bad. Worse than ever before.
Cause yes, maybe his family was worried about him and that's why they told him to eat but, this was not it.

He snapped one day as his uncle came to visit and commented on how slim he had gotten and as soon as his uncle left, his mother started lecturing him again and he couldn't take

"Mom! As much as it hurts when people call each other fat, it hurts the same way when people keep telling me that I'm thin! I know I'm thin! But have you seen me skip any meal!? I always eat, damn it and still, nothing had happened!"

His mother had just gaped at him and then left after sighing.
The disappointment and hurt on her face made him feel guilty.

He could literally get hurt for anyone but he hated it when his parents got disappointed and he was the reason.

So he apologized later but this feeling was still eating him from inside.
So Jaemin remembers crying himself to sleep that night cause he is frustrated and nobody was there to listen to him, to hug him, and say that it was going to be okay.

And telling his family about his insecurities, it's easier said than done.

He had come across nice strangers on his Instagram who he had told all about his insecurities. It's all the same advice.

He knows that what they are saying could be right and he has thought about it too but if it was that easy he'd already be a whole lot happy.

His gaze traveled from his face, down to his collarbones, to his arms and then his torso, then his slim stomach down to his legs that looked like toothpicks.

He wanted to be fatter. He wanted to have that so-called glow his parents talked about.

A few tears left his eyes as he soundlessly slumped down on the ground and looked at the bottle of his sleeping pills lying there.

He had developed this awful habit of not sleeping until late because all night long, he thought about how to change his body.

And the sleeping pills became his friends as his parents found out.

Today though, he had them near him for a totally different reason.

He was, needless to say, tired.

Tired out of his fucking mind cause he, had no control over his thoughts whatsoever.

And they always surged up at the worst times, when he forgets everything and enjoys himself.

When he doesn't eat to make himself fatter but to taste the delicious foods mother makes.
Where he goes shopping and doesn't care about how he looks in his jeans.

And so now, he wanted to give up. Call him weak, but in just three years, he had managed to lose it all. His clothes looked like he had stolen them from someone who was ten times his size.

He didn't want his mother to call him a cloth hanger anymore.
He didn't want to hear the continued lectures anymore.
Where they all said the same things and Jaemin had finally stopped reverting back and explaining himself.

He was fucking tired.

He emptied the bottle onto his hand and saw as the pills laid around in his scrawny palm.

They almost looked heavenly as the thought surged up that he wouldn't be hearing anything after this but then he heard his brother's laugh from outside.

His younger brother, Park Jisung, was a true sweetheart. A brat sometimes, but that's everyone.

He heard his mom's giggles and his father's voice as he reprimanded Jisung for something he had done and he felt the pills slip from his palm.

His brother was always the one who looked up to him. They might bicker, curse at each other and fight but Jisung had made it pretty clear with his actions that he can't go a single day without his Hyung.

And Jaemin smiled through his tears,
His parents, the very people who were sometimes the cause of the sleepless nights and the silent sobbing, he had to take care of them. They were old and his father had worked so hard to earn money for them to go to a school and learn.

His mother went through so much to give birth to him and he sighed as he realized that he couldn't do it.

Being the only person after his father, who had to support his family, he had responsibilities.

He had a family to take care of.

So he grabbed the pills and threw them in the bin near his mirror as he wiped his tears.
Getting up he dusted off the imaginary dust and gave him a pep talk to go out and act as nothing happened.

The thought still lingered though,

If he lived in a house with no mirror,
Maybe things would be better.

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Heavily inspired by Sasha Sloan's House with no mirror and a little bit of my daily life :)