Why Don't You Like Me? // BlueBird

Prologue

My day started out like any other except it got darker and darker. The sky was clear, not perfectly but clear enough this morning. As morning became afternoon I watch those black clouds roll in until the sky is a myriad of grey and it bursts like a dam, the rain coming straight down in lashing lines, bouncing off the windows and roads, the drops getting no time to race down the panes, so heavy is the rain.

My day started out, ok.

Then it gets darker. In my head too. Until I'm in the dark place. Trying to hold it together, trying and barely making it.

I've always been second best. I've always been last picked, a back up plan until... Until I'm forgotten. Everyone I know goes away in the end. One by one.

The dark place never lies. For all its lack of light, it does not lack clarity. It does not lack truth. Thats why its the dark place. Because the truth hurts. It's a bitter pill to swallow and we might try to hide, hold it in our cheeks for as long as we can, maybe even spit it out, but you have to drink the koolaid sometime.

I spend my day, keeping it at bay, trying not to think about it and sometimes the dam leaks, tears stream down my face and hastily I wipe them away. Until I'm ready to feel it, until I'm ready to drink, I do all I can to patch the leaks and keep moving.

Until at night, when I lay in bed and I try to give in to the screaming need for sleep, instead I'm left with no choice but to think, to sip until it starts to come too fast and I'm drowning, pinned down to the mattress. I submit. I accept that I have to think about it and that's it. For the next few days, I will be a fragile wreck. The truth hurts.

Please be gentle, I'm a little too much today.