Close Enough To Paradise

Three

"Hey... Good morning." The same voice that haunts me in my dreams drifts into the room so breezily that I almost for a second think that maybe I'm still in bed tucked under the covers with Beary imagining the tone of his voice being so soft when he first greets me...

But I'm not... I'm standing in front of the coffee maker, cup in hand, waiting for the pot to brew and Phil is brushing his chest against me while he reaches around me to grab his own mug, his chest seeming so broad as it presses against my shoulder like the sparks that keep trying to convince me they exist seep into me through my shirt causing the butterflies in my stomach to go wild just like he always does lately... Smelling so frigging good just like he does when we cuddle... His cologne is slowly starting to become one of my favorite smells, and it sort of feels like maybe he knows with how close he always seems to place himself to me... Just like now...  

He could move away if he wanted to... But instead, he decides to turn and lean against the counter only inches away... If I were to turn and talk to him he'd be right there... And I've got no doubt that if I leaned into him a little bit that he'd give me a hug without even thinking about it just like he's done before... 

I know that he's just lonely... That it's hard for anyone who goes through being cheated on to really recover from it... It took me months when it had happened to me, and Roger had shown not a single ounce of remorse, unlike Phil's ex who hadn't wanted to let go of him after he decided it was time to move on... But it still feels just a tiny bit confusing to have someone be so affectionate and seemingly in need of human touch, and yet so firm on not wanting to be with anyone in order to protect himself... He wants to cuddle, and he wants to be close to someone, and he clearly craves the affection of a partner... But he's terrified to trust anyone with his heart again... And it's so hard to watch... Which is why I do what I can... 

I know that it's not good for me... I know it's not and that I need to nip my crush on him in the bud before it gets so bad I end up doing something stupid like telling him instead of keeping my mouth shut... All I want is for him to finally get to a place where he can be honest with himself that he does want a boyfriend that he can hang all over and dominate... He just isn't ready to do the emotional heavy lifting that comes with it... Just... If me keeping my crush to myself and letting him crowd and hold me when he's feeling clingy helps him heal enough to finally get over being hurt so badly, then I can be okay with that... He's too sweet of a guy to end up bitter and alone... Not that anyone ever really deserves romantic isolation and pain... I just want him to feel better... That's all. 

...

Phil

...

"Morning Phil. How'd you sleep?" Just like I had hoped he would, Nico turns when I settle next to him and lets himself lean into me just enough to let me know that he's open to a good morning hug... The kind that always starts my day off right... And it takes me all of two seconds to release my mug onto the counter in order to curl myself around him... And just like always... It hurts like hell when its time for me to let go to avoid making things awkward... I just want to hold him... But that would be hard explaining why, on a Tuesday morning, I want to keep him trapped against my body instead of just waiting for our nightly cuddle like usual... 

"I slept good," But I was up most of the night wishing I could slip back into your room and wake you up to talk and tell you that I don't want to go another night with the two of us in separate rooms..."You?"

He lingers by my side even after I let go, and it feels like my eyes don't want to really look away from him still in his comfy pajamas and sleep tousled hair... He's just so cute this early in the morning when he can barely keep his eyes open because the daylight still seems a little too bright... It's adorable and I clearly have a problem. 

Making the coffee is the first thing he does when he wakes up right after brushing his teeth because without a splash of caffeine he can't seem to really convince himself that actually getting out of bed and staying out of bed is a good idea... Without at least a few sips of the liquid gold he always ends up laying back down instead of getting dressed and some days it can be absolutely hysterical to see a panicked Nico flying from his room in the middle of the day on his days off thinking that he's late for work... It never fails to make me laugh when the truth hits and he squits his eyes at the clock on the wall while he figures out how long he can sleep before having to get up and make dinner before shuffling back to his room with that cute little goofy grin on his face that I suspect has much to do with the fact that he gets to go back to bed and indulge in feeling small all curled up with that teddy bear of his instead of facing the day...

I wish I could follow him in there and make him feel like the cutie he is... That I could run my fingers through his hair and rub his back... Just hold him for a while...

I need to talk to him and I need to do it soon... Otherwise, I'll end up setting my alarm this early every day even when I don't have to just so I can watch for that sacred moment when the coffee touches his soul and he decides he is strong enough to get dressed for the day for the rest of his lease and some days it feels like torture not being able to slip my arms around his waist and keep them there while trying to convince him to put the mug down and come back to bed with me for the day.