"Every storm that comes also comes to an end" ...Bullshit.

This week has been a raging hurricane. My entire life's been covered in nothing but rainy days. This storm hasn't ended, it's been eight fucking years. Any way, that I can see, that this storm will end, is if I end it myself. Tonight is the first night I cut deep enough to make it bleed for over 20 minutes. It's still bleeding as I type this. It's not enough to be life threatening, but it's simply the satisfaction of me finally getting what I deserve. This is that point in my life where I realize all the shit that's been going on. All the shit I've been through. All the shit that I've fucked up. All the shit I've failed to fix. My life is like a living hell, but you would never notice. I'm always smiling, laughing, walking like a drunk just to make people laugh. But there's something they don't see. Me, sitting on my floor, holding my knees, leaning against my wall crying hysterically. My panic attacks have become a daily thing now. So has cutting. They're never deep. Half the time, they don't even bleed. I only do it for the scars they leave. I'm always seen as that freak, the overly hyper kid that needs to chill the fuck out. I've become so good at hiding it all, but if you look closely, notice this. No eye contact, never. When I'm not with a friend, my head's down, fists shoved in my hoodie pockets. I'm living a lie, but when I show how I really feel, like when I broke down that one morning upstairs, I was called an emotional bitch that's nothing more than a cry baby. Who told me this? Oh, just the voices. NOW you have a reason to think I'm a freak. I hear voices. No one's ever called me fat to my face, not ugly, not worthless, not stupid, not any insult I can recall has ever made me feel like as much as these. The voices. It's all them. They yell at me. Menacing, angry, horrifying fits that leave me crying on my floor hold my ears. "You're worthless, and no one even cares to tell you. They're all lying to you just so you'll be quiet, so you won't cry like the little bitch you are, so they won't have to listen to your annoying ass complaints. You're ugly and no one wants you. You think your parents got taken away? NO. They left you. They didn't want you. No one cares how you feel, they only want their own happiness. Yours isn't deserved. You can't be happy, you selfish bitch! There's people who have it so much better than you. They have money, they have friends, they have parents, they have a nice house, nice bodies, nice hair, nice skin, everything you DON'T. Now go run to your stupid little websites to rant about how you only get what you deserve. You don't deserve to be happy, to live, you deserve to die. You're a waste of space. Can't you see that your sisters could be so much better taken care of if there was only two of them, instead of three? Now cut yourself. Watch yourself bleed. YOU DESERVE PAIN. STOP BEING SO SELFISH. DEEPER. LONGER. CRY HARDER YOU LITTLE USELESS BITCH." I'm only typing what I hear as I hear it. This is nonstop torture. Deep growls in my head. They terrify me, and when I do what they say, they quiet down. Their voices become smooth, soft, bearable. But when I don't, they're loud. I can't concentrate, talk, think, breathe, I can't stand it. I want to die. I deserve to die. I can't be here anymore. The only way I can silence them is if I can't think anymore. The only way I can do that is if I'm not breathing. I need to end this storm. I'm tired of the panic attacks, me laying on my floor screaming, crying, shaking uncontrollably. I'm tired of hurting everyone I love or who loves me. I'm tired of having to always wear long sleeves and long pants to hide gashes covering my skin. I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of breathing. It's become a burden. It angers me to know that I have a pulse. Bump-bump... Bump-bump... Hatred. Pure hatred. My veins are green, blue, purple, they pop out sometimes. I hate it. The voices don't like it either. I want to die. I need to die. I deserve to die. But I refuse. My family would be devastated, my friends would be crushed, who would cuddle with my kitty to keep him company? I'll just stick to the scars, they're enough... for now at least. Now I apologize for wasting your time like this. You were probably expecting some cute story or some shit, but no. Sorry, I just needed to rant. Now go back to your life of happiness and joy.

Stay Positive. <3