A Game with Him

Games aren't fit for little kids only, it's for everybody to be played. You may end up happy, miserable, contented or dissatisfied after every game. But it's just a game right? Just for entertainment. How about a life's game controlled by fate? Imagine what its level of difficulty is or when will it have to end, even though as a player, we should not stick to the fact of clearing the game but to take the experience while playing it into account. I’m in one of those games of life all along and actually tired of its insensitive progress.

What’s a game without players? And it’s lonesome playing alone, better do it with other people you know. I’ve been in this game of hide-and-seek with only two players for so long now. I am not clear of my role in this game, whether I am the one to seek or am I the one to hide. And until now, I’m still playing this I-don’t-know-when-to-end game. But how did I get involved in such a game and who am I playing with?

This game was destined to commence before I was born, decided by faith in other words. I arrived in the world and registered in the game, late. I didn’t set out immediately, but I just lived first normally. There’s so much to care around that I didn’t notice that something is missing. It wasn’t long before I found out what is lost. That missing thing plays a very important role to me, to my life but then I didn’t really care about it and lived with the fact that it’s not worth my time finding for it. And so that was it, I didn’t know then that I was in a game, not until I finally realized that I’m actually living an abnormal life and I need to find that missing piece. As time went by, I have seen that others have that thing that I don’t, and I don’t know if I have to be jealous though I doesn’t seem to care about what’s lost. That something is not a thing to start with; it’s actually a someone, specifically a guy. I took a short glimpse of his photograph but all I can do is ignore it, act like I don’t care at all.

Sometimes, there are people who get surprised when they become aware that I don’t have someone like him. I just let it slide and never take it seriously. I was always strong when answering questions about him and I kept like that for long. Others always ask, “Where is he now?” And I usually give them a shook of my head or I say, “I don’t know”, “Who the heck cares” and habitually, “He drowned in the soup” which normally makes them laugh. I also thought that it’s a great joke, but later I realized that I am insulting not only him but myself. Am I making a big fool out of me? That someone that I used to give less attention at first became a big issue that keeps bugging me. It made me curious, what does he look like? What does his voice sound like? What does it feel to be around him? And it made me arrive to the question: Where is he now? Then the game started to heat up.

He always gets into my nerves whenever the topic is centered on him. Questions with ‘answers-I-will-know’ when I find him suddenly fill my brain like air from a big balloon deflating speedily. I was able to finally call it a game the time I heard that he’s actually looking for me. He’s the seeker, I’m the hider. So it was a one-sided game at first. Just like in a relationship, boy likes girl, girl knows it but ignores his feelings or vice versa. As I grew older, I feel like wanting to see him. I sometimes envision him escorting me to school or having rides with him, but reality shakes that all off. My strong attitude towards him slowly loses its strength and I was now like pulling myself to him.

There was a time when I almost got to converse with him but fate seems teasing us. It was a close call, a call unanswered. I didn’t understand what I felt that time, I was down but I was glad. It made me wonder even more about him. It shocked me when tears reacted when he was once the topic of a conversation. I realized that I miss him and I want to see him. And I started to seek in a silent way. I was the hider at first, now I’m the seeker. This game is really confusing me.

I’m tired of it. I sometimes think: what if I won’t catch up to him? What if we’re not fated to meet? Will it be alright? Will I regret it too much? Will this game have to end that way?

If I could say I love you, I should have said it many times

But I don’t want you to know because you don’t seem to mind.

I tried myself to forget you but my heart doesn’t seem to follow.

The more I try to forget you, the more my heart says I LOVE YOU.

These lines I encountered at class gravely affected me the moment I have read it. The words perfectly fit for lovers in a complicated state but why? Why was it that he was the first person that came to my mind in relation to those lines? Truthfully, I wasn’t able to control myself that time and burst into tears.

I don’t blame him as the reason of my incompleteness in life, I don’t blame anybody. I just live with it. I can’t do anything else but to find him and that’s why I’m in this kind of game. I never fail to staple in mind that there’s still hope, as long as I’m alive, we’re alive. This game still goes on. Until now, it’s under completion. I’m tired but I still continue playing with it and keep looking forward to the day I’ll be able to see him and call to him…

“Father”.

I really wonder how this game will end.