The Purple-Haired Demon and The Blonde Arsehole

When Dicklan doesn't know her name

There was coffee on her shirt.

There was Starbucks coffee on her favorite Arctic Monkeys shirt.

She would honestly, truly, positively love to know what she did in her previous life to make Karma, the universe, George R. R. Martin or whoever was responsible for this shit, this upset. Hell, she was ready to bring a sacrifice to Satan just so she could find out why – and she knew just the imbecile to sacrifice.

Speaking of whom, she raised her eyes from her ruined and now brown shirt, to glare at the moron who’d managed to further enhance her lovely day.

He was good-looking. He was drool worthy in fact. She was surprised he didn’t have fangirls behind him. But at that moment she couldn’t give two flying fucks and one diving shit about his looks. She was ready to lash out on him – to start yelling about the hot coffee making her skin burn, to scream about how incompetent he was – but instead a brilliant idea sparked in her mind.

She let out a puff of air through her nostrils as she successfully took off the cap of the cup. She could smell the delicious iced mocha calling out to her, the few ice cubes swirling in it. She looked at it for a brief moment – before dumping it on his head.

She simply lifted her left hand above his head and angled her hand slightly – enough for the liquid and cubes to pour out slowly and with a sadistic delight she watched as it ruined his perfect-styled blonde hair as he made no move to spot her from doing it.

-          -

Iced coffee.

So that was what the troll in front of him liked.

And from Dunking Doughnuts nonetheless.

Charming.

He couldn’t for all the money in the world guess what the bitch was thinking about when she unscrewed the lid and swooshed the drink around. And then she gracefully poured it all over his beautiful hair. All he could do was close his eyes and mouth and wait for it to end.

She pulled her hand back, the empty cup dangling from it. He opened his eyes just in time to see her place the lid back on as if there was more coffee in it.

“You know it’s called Dunkin’ Doughnuts – not Dunk the fucking drink on random strangers.” He said in an annoyed tone and glared the smirking bitch in front of him.

“Really? Oh my God, I have been so blind my whole life. Thank you kind stranger, for opening my eyes to a world of new possibilities. ” She spoke, her voice coated in a thick layer of sarcasm, though he could tell that it was only a way to hide her obvious dislike for the situation.

“It was an accident. Get over it.” He said, his annoyance being replaced with nonchalance. The demon in front of him was obviously crazy, bipolar, PMSing or whatever and he didn’t have the patience or the will to deal with her.

“Mine was an accident too! It just so happened that my hand was raised and the cup slightly slipped out of my hand making me pour all my delicious coffee on you.” She spoke in a dry tone, her eyelids lowering for a fraction, making her look bored, though her stance clearly showed that she felt nothing but fury. Up until now he had been too caught up with thinking of a way to make her shut up to notice that her voice had something else besides sarcasm and anger – a thick British accent.

“How about you take your definition of ‘accident’ and shove it up your ass, huh Hermione?” He countered, his own voice imitating hers.

“Oh yes, because that’s the only thing Britain’s known for; JK Rowling.” An eye roll accompanied her statement and her glare from earlier came back full on. She fisted her paper cup and threw it in the bin next to her with too much force. Suddenly her whole demeanor changed, going from angry to cocky in a matter of seconds. He couldn’t even begin to phantom what had given the idiot her newfound confidence.

“Well it was a pleasure wasting IQ points with you, Dicklan.” She said with an over-confident smirk and walked away without another glace.

And with that, the young man was left confused, with coffee still dripping down his face and the damned cup in his dominant hand.

And the worst part?

The troll knew that his name was Declan.