A L I V E

February 10, 8:45 pm

TRIGGER WARNING

I should have died today. I didn't. I stared at the ceiling hearing nothing but my mom crying and the machines beeping. I wanted to talk but I couldn't. She noticed I was awake and called for the doctor. "SWEETIE CAN YOU HEAR ME??" she pleaded. "IT'S OKAY SWEETHEART" she said as tears fell from her eyes like a waterfall. The doctor and nurses came running in to check on me. I wanted to say i was okay but I knew I wasn't. It didn't work. All the planning for nothing. At this point you're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about. I tried to kill myself yesterday and now I'm here in a hospital bed and everyone so concerned. I don't like being the center of attention. I hoped she wouldn't find me alive but she got there just in time. Now whether that was a blessing or a curse, I'm still trying to figure it out.

They finally removed the tube from my mouth and my mom bombarded me with questions. The doctor had to stop her and now she's crying again. I don't think she's ever going to stop crying. As for me, well I'm alive so that means I'm okay. "Jamie?" the doctor called me. "Jamie you don't have to speak but blink twice if you can hear me" he instructed. I blinked twice. He was a little loud but right now wasn't the time to be giving out criticism. "Jamie, I'm Dr. Blackwell. Do you know where you are?" he asked. "In a h-hospital?" I responded, not being sure of myself. My mom was finally quiet. Dr. Blackwell asked a few more questions and did some tests, just to make sure my body was still functioning and my brain was working fine. He asked to talk to my mother outside. I knew what that meant. I'm not going home. My mom and Dr. Blackwell came back into the room. It was obvious my mom was trying not to cry again. "Jamie you're going to have to stay at the hospital for awhile. Right now you are going to stay here and then you will be transferred to a new room. They are people your age there and you could make some friends" he said full of hope. I know he was trying to make light of the situation but let's admit, things are dark right now. I nodded my head so he knew I understood what he said. "Jamie I will come visit you everyday" my mom said trying to reassure me. It didn't help. To spare my mom I nodded my head in support. "A nurse will come and check on you every hour and your mom will be here the whole time as well" Dr. Blackwell said as he was walking out the door. I actually like him minus his failed attempt at positivity.

Once Dr. Blackwell left, silence fell upon the room. My mom stared at me with sorry eyes. During this whole time I realized I haven't spoken to my mom at all. "Jamie I am so sorry" my mom said as tears once again filled her eyes. "Mom stop crying. I'm fine" I assured her. " FINE?! Jamie you almost died?! How can I stop crying? I'm a terrible mother, I didn't even know that you were going through something". I don't think she's even going to let go of this. "It's not your fault. You didn't know anything was wrong" once again trying to reassure her. "Jamie I am your mother! I should have known" she replied. I'm not even going to say something because she's going to come up with a million reasons why it's her fault. So I just looked at her and she looked back with those sorry eyes again. I don't like people feeling sorry for me. My mom and I didn't have anything to say to each other. What can we say? I don't want to talk about what's happening and I don't think she's ready to hear what I have to say, I don't know if I'm ready to hear what she has to say. So we sat in silence. "I'm going to the cafeteria, Dr. Blackwell said you could eat light food to bring back your energy. Do you want anything??" she asked, finally breaking the silence. "I don't know, you pick," I replied.

My mom left but I wasn't alone, the voices in my head won't stop screaming. I hate being in my head, It's what got me into this mess in the first place. I would give anything to escape. Other than my mind, the machines were the second loudest thing in the room. Mocking me, making fun of my stupidity. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm looking forward to switching rooms, no more wires and no more beeping machines. My mom finally came back. She got pasta for herself and got me soup. "Soup??" I commented as she walked in. "You said I could pick anything. Don't worry I got your favorite type of soup" she replied. For the first time I saw my mom smile since I woke up. "You smiled..." I said. She didn't respond but rather looked at me. Silence fell again, the voices and machines were screaming again.

Hope you enjoyed! Leave any tips for improvement - Gus :)