Keep living my love...

My first diary cause im dying, literally.

Day 182

My doctor suggested me to start writing a diary of everything crazy happening in my life so I guess this is it.

Erm hey I'm Mahalia, I'm 17 and I guess you could say I'm your typical teenage girl, I have a best friend called Amara who is CRAZYYYYY (one time she threw stones at her ex-boyfriend car after she found out he cheated which he fully deserved so period sis). We have been bestfreinds ever since we were babies, growing up with amara she was popular , I was not, she gets all the boys , I don't , she's confident, I'm just there. She's tall, beautiful , dark skin ,curvy in all the right spots. She has these beautiful honey brown eyes and long braids. She also has this flare about her, a contagious laugh, she always manages to make me laugh and I literally trust her with my whole life. Sometimes I wish I was her. Me on the other hand I'm very scrawny looking ,one eye is bigger than the other , my smile is kinda lopsided but I have long lashes and beautiful dark skin to make up for it  i guess??? I'm not exactly a model , I look very forgettable. I try hard not to focus on it but if I could name all my insecurities, it would take days and I think you get the point. when we were kids I had a huge crush on kid named Malakai Mohamed. He was Indian , popular and HOTTTTT , my 5 year old self could NEVER. I got the courage to tell him I liked him at break time and he told me I was ugly. I thought my life life was practically over , like about to start digging my grave over (I was a dramatic kid). Amara Overheard the conversation and she kicked him in the face with her tall legs (she's basically a MODEL) and laughed. He started crying and told the teacher we both kicked him even though I didn't which led us both to get in trouble and ever since then we have been unstoppable together.I guess you could say shes my friend soulmate. Love you Amara!

I have 2 older twin brothers named Imani and Amari, They always manage to prank me or my parents (One time when we were younger they manage to convince it was time to wake up for school at 3am and I got dressed and ate breakfast to be told it was a Saturday! See what I mean by annoying?) 1 little sister who I dearly love named Amelie, im convinced she will be a professional singer.

And two parents who are definition of BLACK LOVE. They met in high school , my mum was a nerd like me and my dad was a basketball player. My dad says ever since he laid eyes on her he knew she was the one! My mum and dad are so beautiful but I was cursed with the bad genes which god I'm still not happy about.
My mum rejected him 5 TIMES!!!!!!!!!! But he manage to convince her to go on one date and the rest is history. They got married right after college and had me and my siblings. My mum is a lawyer and my dad works in a office. I love them so much but sometimes it gets too much like when they kiss Infront of us *gagging* but In all seriousness I hope to find an epic love like them!

I love love love football and listen to Brent fiyaz on repeat ( who doesn't????) I'm starting my senior year soon and is future set in getting in my future law school , hopefully they accept me? I mean I got the grades I need and I also took extra classes that I absolutely hated like band practice just so they would accept me. They said wanted versatility so that's what they got , We apply to colleges in November so I still have time so *Fingers crossed*

Nothing really exciting happens in my town , so there's nothing to really report right now but I have one MASSIVE SECRET- I have a huge crush on Cai.

Not even Amara knows.

I don't think he even knows I exist, well he does but like I said I'm just there. I've had a crush on him for two years now and I can't bring my self to tell him, I'm now in my final year so I hope to forget all about it after highschool. He sits behind me in biology and I occasionally help with his work which I got to admit , it's really fun. Even if it's just helping him, something about that is exciting because it's the closest I'm ever gonna get to tell him of what could be our epic love story lmaooo. Hes Asian , tall and very very handsome like literal Melton Charles type handsome. He keeps to himself ever since his mum died last year, he found out she died in a car crash in the middle of class. I wish I met her, she seemed like a very nice lady and she would always bring delicious Korean food whenever school had a event going on. I wanted to so badly to comfort him  but I was way too shy to start a conversation and I kinda like the image I created of him. I don't want to disappoint myself with reality and it's not like he would ever look twice at me. He very reserved and selective about his freinds which I like because not many people get access, basically mysterious. I would be lying if I said I didn't create a whole personality of him in my head so i could daydream about scenarios about us.

And oh I'm dying, I have stage 4 cancer.

I know you're wondering how I found out that I had cancer so here you go. I was getting dressed for school when I noticed I had a lump in my armpit area , I got scared at first thinking it was cancer but I thought I was being dramatic (how ironic) so I didn't think of it as a big deal. I tried to forget about it. Slowly I starting to lose my appetite too and my parents noticed my weight loss, they thought i had a eating disorder because I managed to have lost 29 pounds in two months so they took to the hospital. Doctor Elijah asked if anything unusual happened to me lately and I said I had a lump near my armpit area for quite a while. He was in literal shock, this is how over conversation went

'Yeah I noticed I had a lump near my armpit but I don't think it's that important'

*in my head*
(Please don't tell me it's cancer PLEASEEEEEE GOD DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME I PROMISE I LOVE YOU)

' I think we need to get scans to see if it's cancer'

After that we did scans and we waited a couple of days to get the results.

I have stage 4 leukemia.

Honestly God???? First you give the worse genes and now this!!! My mum was sobbing ,my dad stayed quiet and my brothers tried to comfort me. Amelie was so confused about what was happening so I told her I was ill and that I'm going to get better in no time. I couldn't bring my self to tell a 5 year old I was dying. no one spoke the ride car back home except Amelie and ever since then I had appointments after appointments, Amara was there for every single one after I told her , she tried to stay very positive but I knew she was worried about me.

im about to start chemo in a week and honestly I'm scared about losing my hair , also I don't want my classmates wondering why I'm taking time off school , I mean who am I kidding no one probably noticed LMAO.

I wonder if Cai will notice I'm gone, probably not.

So that's about it for now, I'm officially cancer girl I guess.

Until  next time diary.

I realized it was getting late so I decided to close my diary , as weird as I thought it was gonna be , doctor Elijah was right , it felt relieving writing in my diary. Almost like I could tuck all the feelings of sadness, stress and worries away in my diary. It felt nice to truly write how I felt without overthinking. I felt a lot lighter. I know I could tell my family and Amara anything but I still couldn't help but feel like a burden to them. Sometimes i think it would be better if I would go from world a lot quicker , maybe then they could finally start living for themselves instead of worrying whether i will get worse or not.

I brushed my teeth and put on my favourite Harry Potter PJs. Sometimes I wish could escape to Hogwarts so I could spell away my illness and be with the weasleys. (FYI THE WEASLEYS ARE THE BEST CHARACTERS EVEN IF AMARA PREFERS DRACO MALFOY) As I day dreamed of what life could of been like as a witch , I slowly drifted off to asleep.