Every time i feel it creeping back up, back up my throat and ready to attack....
I wonder why it is that i cant seem to just swallow those arrows coming for your heart, your ego, your lovely way of being...
Why is it so hard for me just to not let those arrows or daggers come out and attack you, attack your every being?? As a wife shouldn't I be here to console you? To love you? To protect you?
Yet I'm the attacker.. Im the abuser... I'm the monster...
Why cant i control what is about to ruin my day, my month, my year, my life ... In the end of course..
The moment i feel these monsters stirring, I should be able to sink their ship.. Not let them come and attack someone I am supposed to share myself with
Yet I'm the attacker.. I'm the abuser.. I'm the monster creeping in the shadows...
After all I'm the one who brought them about. Im the one who seems to find it necessary to bring them into my life, our lives... Yet i find
myself losing all control to the swords Im ready to stab you with... Why is that?
I hate myself for loving that it is so easy for me to be mean or rude.. It comes so natural to me, yet everyone I know frowns upon my given talents...
Oh how i wish i was better at so many other things rather then to always be ready in full attack mode and wearing full armor ready to bring world war 3 apon you and everyone else who gets in my way...
Yet I'm the attacker, I'm the abuser, not the abused or the scared kid in the corner... I'm the monster who comes stirring anytime i feel necessary....
I would probably trade, steal or beg just to be that woman you deserved... The protector, the good wife, the calm to your storm, your best friend.....
Yet here i sit and all i can see and fully understand is how desperate and lonely i realy am.
Oh what a monsterous site it is.....
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