Please remind me (who I really am)

Chapter 13

Lisa's attempt to change her flight had been fruitless, so she'd spent the rest of her day in Salt Lake City checking into her hotel, emptying her bag of everything except her sketchbook and art pencils, and wandering around the various parks that the city had to offer. It might have been a very nice city, but Lisa's mind was not on what she was looking at, and after several hours, she didn't think she'd ever wanted to be anywhere less than where she was. She ate a lonely lunch in a sushi restaurant before buying some snacks and a drink from a convenience store, found a bench in Sugar House Park, and parked herself on it for the rest of the afternoon.

Jennie was just a few miles away, and soon would be back in the studio. She was so close, but Jennie was out of reach. There had to be a metaphor in there somewhere, Lisa thought, as she moodily chewed on her potato chips.

The hours passed as she sketched; dogs chasing balls, couples walking hand in hand, the leaves on the trees. She sketched until the air turned cool, and she headed back to the hotel with a sheaf of paper and one of her favorite pencils worn down to almost a nub. She huffed as she walked through the hotel lobby and into the restaurant, feeling like she hadn't done nearly enough thinking.

The food wasn't very appetizing, but she ate it anyway, and once she arrived back in the hotel room, she showered and changed into her pajamas before settling into bed. It was still early, even in New York, so she wasn't tired at all. Lisa flicked the TV on, and nearly choked on a sip of water as Jennie's face appeared on the screen.

What was the world trying to tell her? It was one of her earlier films, a cheesy, low-budget horror movie. Even though Jennie wasn't old at 26, she looked very young in this film. Lisa watched as Jennie's character ran around an abandoned warehouse, searching for an alien artifact and being chased by some kind of giant ant creature, which she was pretty sure was just a man in a very bad costume. There wasn't very much to recommend the film, Lisa thought, but Jennie was very pretty, and that was all that the director of the film had seemed to care about in the end. There were so many close-ups of her face that Lisa spent the majority of the movie recalling just how soft Jennie's face was to touch, despite her sharp jaw.

When the movie was over, Lisa rolled over in bed, the sheets a little scratchy and uncomfortable. The conversation between she and Jennie earlier had left her with a lot to think about. Jennie had asked for more time, and she would try her best. That's all she could do. But the concept of someone asking for time, an indeterminate amount of time (a month, a year, more?), was difficult. Her heart was already breaking.

Because she could admit it to herself, here in the dark with nobody to hear her thoughts. Darkness swallowed truth like nothing else. She knew in her heart that she loved Jennie. She knew it. It was like an ever-present thought in her head. It had come on quickly but quietly, during the time Jennie spent at her house. It was in the care that Jennie took of her, in the way that Lisa's breath always caught around her, the way Lisa's eyes were always drawn to Jennie whenever she was near. She longed for her with every part of her. Lisa's arms sought to cradle Jennie close to her, her hands to touch her, to make her laugh and smile, and to keep her happy, safe. She wanted Jennie to know that she was loved, every day, just for herself.

Her heart longed to welcome Jennie's home.

But Lisa was just a friend. Objectively, she knew of course why Jennie had said that. She knew the reasons behind why Jennie had denied who she was to her. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt like a punch to the gut, more than she wanted it to and more than she thought the words deserved. Lisa groaned. They were just words that had a false meaning behind them, but for now... they weren't seeing each other. They weren't together, while Jennie needed her time to sort things out. So, at this present moment, the words were true.