lurking ☹

who needs friends?

November 11th, 2014

It would be only a lie to myself if I said things have been getting better. I can't seem to bring myself up and put on a mask of a smile as easily as I could I month ago. Of course I still had to so I still would try, but it never felt convincing. I don't have to be worried about anything though, because I'm fine. It's not like my friends would notice anyway.

They've seemed to almost distance themselves from me lately, and I don't know why. Whenever they were talking in a circle, I'd walk over to catch fragments of their conversation and try and ask what they were talking about.

"Hey, what're you guys talking about?"

I'd never get an answer, they wouldn't even turn to look at me. I could be quiet though so decided they just didn't hear me, somehow.

"Hey, what're you guys talking about?"

No answer. Of course, maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if whenever I'd ask a second time I'd receive a glare almost seeming to shout the words 'shut up and just go away'. I'd name who it was but by this point, everyone's done it at least once. Even Grace.

"I can't believe we have to sit through another ceremony," Hayley complained, a small pout. "It's the same thing every year!"

"Yeah but it's only one day of the year, you'll make it," I said with genuine effort into trying to make her happy.

Instead if the usual 'shut up' glare, she cocked her head to the side to look at me with an innocent look to her. "Oh, you're here?"

I clenched my fist under the table, feeling my chest tighten. I've become so weak as to have such simple words affect me, it was sad.

"Yeah, I forgive you for not noticing sooner. I know you're to busy think about your amazing self," I replied, masking myself with a small upturn of my lip. "I wouldn't expect someone as glorious as yourself to notice a peasant like me."

I heard Lamy try to hide the giggle that came out of her mouth but failed to do so, receiving a quick glance of rage from Hayley. Shortly after adverting her gaze back to me, the smirk washing off my face at the scowl she wore so naturally.

"You've been so rude lately, what's with you?" She asked, more just throwing insults and guilt at me rather than expecting and answer. "You're always just tagging along and you never say anything worth while or funny. Always butting into our conversations."

I glanced quickly around the lunch table to see the group just sit in silence, watching either Hayley or me. Some looked like they agreed with her, while some didn't try to deny it.

I look back over at Hayley with every ounce of courage I had left, holding back any pitiful emotions. "I'm apart of this group too, aren't I? I'm just trying to be like you guys."

She snickered with a look of amusement. "Trying to be like us? How? You're pathetic, really. Like a lost puppy."

I wasn't ready for such a counter response, the words hitting to close to the heart. I already knew all that, but it never helped to have salt rubbed in an already open wound.

I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes as I grab my bag and stand up. Not looking at the eyes that followed my movement, I pushed my chair back and walked away with the hushed sound of laughter coming from where I left.

"Can you believe it? She was crying!" An unidentifiable voice giggled.

I cliched my bag tighter and walked faster away. I didn't know where I was going but I need to be alone.

Turning a corner, I accidentally ran into another person who rounded it at the same time. I felt my clutch loosen on my bag and a small clatter on the floor along with it.

"Sorry," I mumbled, leaning down to pick up my bag. I looked next to it to see a rather familiar pair of thin framed glasses making me look up to see who I bumped into.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hey John," I said politely, picking up his glasses and standing up. I handed them to him with a uniformed thanks as his response.

"Hey," he said, stopping me from walking away as I was just about to do. He held my shoulder in his hand and stared at my eyes for a minute with a confused expression. "Are you alright?"

I forced on a smile, along with a laugh. "No, but thanks for the concern. I just accidentally got hit my funny bone really hard against a table, that's all. You know, it really hurts."

Wow that was a horrible lie, I thought.

He smiled weakly, letting your shoulder go. "Alright, but if you need to talk I'm here. We're practically best friends, after being put as partners for so long!"

I guess not that bad then.

I smiled, remembering the times we spent working on all those projects as he would always slide in some weird joke or pun, making me laugh and sometimes even mess up what I was doing. He was pretty funny.

"Yeah, see you John," I said, turning around and giving a quick wave behind me.

I feel a bit better, thanks John, I thought with a small ghostly smile.

--

"Will the grade tens now begin to please make their way to the gymnasium."

Our class, having already been crowding around the door, quickly ushered out and did as instuced. I walked slowly behind, not really wanting to see my so called friends. Actually, they're not my friends. They're now just, other people I lost.

We arrived at the gym a few minutes later, everyone shoving each other to get threw the doors and get a good seat. With that said, I waited until everyone had already gone in which left me in the awkward position of looking for a seat in the almost full room. Some people caught me just standing alone and told whoever was next to them, slowing creating an audience.

I started walking threw the rows of chairs and thankfully saw one empty one close to the front. A common place for empty seats. The veterans that would come in would sit on the other side of the front row, so I was okay to sit on the empty seat presented before me.

Ignore my old group of friends stares, I went to sit in the empty seat only to find myself sitting next to John. How nice.

He glanced over to see who had sat next to him, grinning when he realized it was me. "Hey, Charlie! Why aren't you sitting with your friends?"

Because they aren't my friends anymore.

"Well you're my friend too, right?" I said, the words leaving my mouth before my brain had time to process what I had just imposed.

His grin never faltered. "Right!"

I genuinely smiled, for the first time in a while. Who needs friends like those other guys when I could have someone like John?