Days Where I Was Insane ; 2min

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Seungmin is aware of how unfair life can be. He's aware that good people are always the ones that are doomed to suffer. Seungmin is not pessimistic, he just likes to be logical. He just likes to see things how they truly are. Seungmin knows. It's always in that room, in that bed and in between that soft mattress, where he finds peace. Where he finds comfort. It's always while he gets lost in his eyes and in his lips and between his strong arms, when he is happy the most. And he can't help but wonder, after all, why is that so. Why it must be him, out of all people, the one to make him feel safe. The one to make him feel reassured. The one to make him feel loved. The one to make him feel. Just feel. He can't help but wonder why he, Kim Seungmin, have fallen in love with him, Lee Minho. But it kind of makes sense to him, if you ask him, because who wouldn't fall for Lee Minho. He is Lee gorgeous Minho. Lee beautiful Minho. Lee fucking Minho. 

Lee, who doesn't love him, Minho.

Seungmin knows. He knows it is an unrequited love. He knows he is stupid enough to keep playing with fire. Because that's all Minho is. Minho is fire. Minho burns. But Seungmin has always been a masochist, so when his skin burns under his touch, he doesn't mind. Not at all. Seungmin likes burning under those fierce pair of eyes. Seungmin likes burning under the path of those bumpy and silky-like pair of lips. Seungmin wants to burn under Minho. Under Lee Minho, who drives him insane, who drives him in the wrong direction. And it's so amusing, he thinks, how he can feel so right and so wrong when he is with him. It's so funny, he thinks, how Minho manages to drive him to both, hell and heaven, in just a blink. It's stupid, he thinks, that he is in love with him. So stupid and so silly that it's embarrassing.

"You can go now." But Seungmin is already buttoning his shirt. 

He well knows Minho is not looking at him. He well knows Minho has his back turned on him. And even when he should be used to it by now, it still hurts. It hurts so much, so deep, that Seungmin feels his lungs burning. But he never cries. Not in front of Minho. Not in front of anyone.

It's past midnight when he finds himself in the middle of Seongbuk-gu streets. It's cold and dark and Seungmin just wants to sleep the pain off. He just wants to sleep and hug his pillow and cry until he falls asleep, like he's used to do. Becuase he feels so stupid and so ridiculous and so dirty that it's painful. So painful that makes his chest hurt. He rubs his eyes ruthlessly, helplessly, and waits for the cab Minho has called to come. And when it arrives, he pays with the money Minho has given to him. And when he's on his way home, he looks through the cab window. He looks at the moon. The sky seems darker that night — it's empty, there are no stars at sight to brighten both the sky and his stranded soul. And Seungmin wonders, as hot and salty tears slowly dry on his cheeks, if the moon feels alone, too, on that cold November night.

Once again, Seungmin knows. Seungmin is quite aware of Hyunjin's feelings towards him. He has known for a long time now. Maybe because of how much care he takes of him. Or how he looks at him, as if he holds the stars in his eyes. Or how he touches him, as if he is the most delicate piece of glass on Earth. It's because of the way he changes his tone when he's referring to him. And Seungmin can do nothing but hate himself for not reciprocating such beautiful feelings. He hates the fact that, unfortunately, Hyunjin is not Minho. Hyunjin is Hwang Hyunjin, so full of love and grace, so full of positivity and warmth. Hyunjin is Hwang Hyunjin, who can brighten up any room, at any moment. Hyunjin is his best friend. His supporter, his holder. His ray of sunshine. Minho is Lee Minho, so full of passion, so full of poisson. Minho is Lee Minho, who intoxicates him until he feels out of air. Lee Minho, who drowns him in such deep feelings. Who holds his hand tightly, until his knuckles turn white. 

Lee Minho, who makes him feel alive while he mercilessly kills him.

Seungmin always knows everything, but sometimes, just sometimes, he plays the fool. And as much as he does not want to admit it, it's for selfish purposes. He is selfish, but of course, he knows that. He is like a selfish kid — he throws the stone, he hides both hands behind his back, he looks away. He always looks away. Every time Minho's phone screen lights up, everytime Minho unblocks his phone, he looks away. But he always sees it. He always sees him. He always sees the one who, unknowingly, steals his happiness. He always sees the one who, unknowingly, is being stolen, too. Seungmin is a bad person. Ever since the first time, ever since he saw him, he should have stopped. And Seungmin regrets everything he has done. He regrets meeting Minho. Lee Minho. He regrets being fucked by Minho. Lee Minho. He regrets falling in love with Minho. Lee fucking Minho. But it is on nights like that one, when he's being held by him, Lee Minho, when he forgets about these regrets. It's between his arms, under his kisses on the top of his head, under his hand around his neck, when his mind gets blurry, cloudy. It's between silent gasps and drawn moans when he knows he is Minho's prey. And Seungmin wouldn't want that to be any other way.