Item #: SCP-729-J
Object Class: Keter Thaumiel (Guys, you're hurting his feelings! He's just trying to help!)
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-729-J currently resides in Dr. Niles Hessen's office on her desk. Where, pray to god, it will stay. Request testing at your own risk. It breaches containment at an alarming frequency, but even MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down") refuses to go near the fucking thing, so it does whatever the hell it wants. We are all at its mercy. Dr. Hessen has been commanded to turn in SCP-729-J for it to be properly contained...as soon as someone can get up the courage to write her an email.
Description: SCP-729-J is SUPPOSED to be a toy, but I want to know who the sick fuck was that wanted to give this thing to children. The label SAYS it's made of polyester fiber, but we all know it's made of the devil's couch stuffing. Or something.
Its reign of terror began during a containment breach of SCP-106. SCP-106 had managed to trap Dr. Hessen in her office and had successfully corroded a hole in the door when it caught sight of that goddamn thing SCP-729-J. SCP-106 stopped moving completely and began staring at SCP-729-J, showing no interest in Dr. Hessen. SCP-106 then began moving backwards out of Dr. Hessen's office, never breaking visual contact with that eldritch horror SCP-729-J, until it reached the end of the hall and promptly rematerialized back in its containment cell. It should be noted that SCP-106's middle fingers were raised for the entirety of the encounter with SCP-729-J. SCP-106's reaction is, frankly, perfectly understandable, and several researchers who witnessed the event were found huddling with SCP-106 in its containment cell.
TESTING LOGS:
SCP-2006
Effects: SCP-2006 screeched upon being introduced, and assumed a form identical to SCP-729-J. SCP-2006 has not changed form since the encounter.
SCP-1322
Effects: SCP-729-J was sent through the wormhole to the SCP-1322 society. It was returned 6 minutes later, tied to a white flag.
SCP-303
Effects: When Dr. Hessen was told to walk through a door with 303 on the other side while holding SCP-729-J, SCP-303 promptly opened the door for Dr. Hessen and ushered her through before quickly exiting the room, with Dr. Hessen showing no sign of the usual fear response. SCP-303 was found six hours later in an abandoned storage closet in a fetal position, sucking its thumb.
SCP-3000
Effects: SCP-729-J was put on a fishing hook and lowered into the sea, to where the current position of SCP-3000 was found with radar. After 2 hours of lowering it into the sea, Dr. Saarland complained about a cramp in his hand from unwinding the fishing pole and Dr. Bayer took over. Another 50 minutes later the assumed depth of SCP-3000 was reached. After 2 minutes, a tug was felt on the fishing pole and SCP-3000's presence swiftly disappeared from the radar. As Dr. Bayer also complained of his hand hurting, retrieval of the end of the fishing line was postponed.
I told them both they should do stretches beforehand, but no, "We play Halo every Friday!", "Our wrists are trained!". Should have listened. - Dr. Baden
The next day, after proper warmup, SCP-729-J was successfully retrieved, along with a crudely written note attached to it, reading: Alright, I thought we had a deal. I turn some consciousnesses to spaghetti, and you guys get your regrety-forgety. But, okay, you won. You get the forgety stuff for free. Lifetime supply. But please, just this one condition! Keep. That thing. Out. Of. My. Ocean! I'll go for a while. I need to calm down.
SCP-055
Effects: Dr. Hessen walked into the containment chamber of SCP-055 holding SCP-729-J. About 5 minutes later, the containment chamber opened and a calico cat ran into Dr. Hessen's office.
Oh, Pudding, come here! I brought a new friend for you! -Dr. Hessen
Wait, we even had a 055? And it's a cat named Pudding? -Dr. Aksum
SCP-650
Effects: After being exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-650 did not appear immediately behind Dr. Hessen as it usually does with others, nor was it inside its containment cell. A containment breach alert was sounded as per protocol. SCP-650 was found seven hours later inside of a storage closet curled up in a ball, and did not move for approximately twelve hours.
SCP-1048
Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, all copies made by SCP-1048 became immobile and have not regained mobility since exposure. SCP-1048 appeared alarmed by this, making a gesture like the sign of the cross, and retreated behind its copies. SCP-1048 regained the ability to make copies of itself when SCP-729-J was removed. It now frequently produces art that depict SCP-729-J as monstrous in some form, and cowers if shown a picture of SCP-729-J.
Not even the teddy? Aww... Poor Mr. Buns. He just wants some friends! - Dr. Hessen
Try 2317. Maybe then that hellbeast can be with its own kind. -Dr. Yvaine
It wouldn't play with him either! - Dr. Hessen
... My god. - Dr. Yvaine
SCP-682
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Long story short, we reclassed SCP-682 as Neutralized. You don't even want to fucking know how this little fucker killed it. - Dr. Foxfield
Interview Log:
Interviewed: Dr. Hessen
Interviewer: Dr. Yvaine
Foreword: SCP-729-J was "contained," if you can call it that, in Dr. Hessen's purse, despite multiple pleas to please just put the goddamn thing away.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Yvaine: Dr. Hessen. Tell us the means by which you obtained SCP-729-J.
Dr. Hessen: I mean, it was a little gift I ordered for myself online. Easter, you know?
Dr. Yvaine: Nothing odd at all about its manufacturing?
Dr. Hessen: Nope!
Dr. Yvaine: And yet we've scoured the factory where it was made for evidence of satanic rituals. Odd.
Dr. Hessen: But yeah, he... came in the mail! It was one of the special scented ones.
Dr. Yvaine: Dear god... [Addressing Dr. Hessen's purse] - I'm sorry I feasted upon your brethren. Let me live, and it'll never happen again, I promise. Just have mercy. [Addressing Dr. Hessen] What is the nature of your immunity to SCP-729-J's effects?
Dr. Hessen: Properties? I mean, it's a plushie. I have it right here. [Dr. Hessen begins removing SCP-729-J oh god does she think we want that thing anywhere near us?!]
Dr. Yvaine: NO NO NO FUCK GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME -
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Interview was terminated due to imminent containment breach.
