Internal Storm Of A Spotty Mind

diary pt 1

I reached out for help today. For a lot of people that's not really anything special, but for me it's a lot. I don't like to show vulnerability on any levels, but after what I did I think I need to.

I put on this happy persona at work and it doesn't even break when people insult me, but when I get back to my cold, quiet, and empty house the face shatters. I'm not sure why I do it completely.

I just don't want people to be brought down by how I really feel. I push all the bad things in my head to the back and pretend as if nothings wrong.

My body seems to hate me. I'm always hurt, sick, or have something wrong with me 24/7. I'm almost always in physical pain, but the mental stuff is the hardest to deal with. I have these thoughts and images running through my head and it just breaks me.

'why did you leave in the first place? You too?'

All these people aren't my parents but they pity me. Don't pity me it doesn't help, I feel like a burden. I feel like the strings of my puppet, so easy to knot and ruin but so hard to keep perfect. My best cuddler isn't real, but sometimes I can't help but pretend that they're real and that they love me so much. Its not the quiet that I hate, it's my ragged breathing, whimpers, and sobs that ruin such a serene moment. Why did you come back into my life just to put me off on someone else? Why did you leave again? Why did I feel like going into another family was my other option?

You have no idea but you hate what I am. I'm gay. It took years of grooming and assault to figure that one out. I didnt not kill myself because I was too lazy, apart of me felt guilty that if I left then you all would be divistated and I didn't want to scare you with the sight of my body. Who would tell my best friend, what about mamaw and papaw? I told the therapist that it was because I didn't have the motivation to go through with it. That part was true I just didn't get into what was holding me back because you were sitting right there feeding lies to her making our relationship start on lies.

Did you really have to admit to choosing drugs over your kids? Did you really have to say that to my face and not get emotional? How could you say that to your own kid without getting emotional? I know I wouldn't it would be too hard for me to see what I put my kid through because I was so selfish that I only thought about myself rather than this innocent little child that I just cast away.

Well I guess I'm grown now seeing as how I told you I wanted to kill myself and you told me to go to someone else who is good at that kind of stuff who is but you're my mom.

Sometimes, I just, I want to be that little girl that didn't know if her mom was coming to her elementary school graduation and was so happy to see that she did. Her mom came which is messed up so messed up.

I was pretty sure I was wearing that pretty blue dress and my head was shaved because I got lice and mamaw and papaw was there because they always were.

They were there for everything, everything they made sure that just because I didn't have a mom or a dad there, that didn't mean that I was alone. Just because my mom chose partying and my dad just skipped town, it didn't mean that I was going to be alone. They didn't have to do that, they didn't have to show me so much love that they did.

They raised me like they raised you but I swear that I'm not going to be like you. If I ever have a kid, I'm not going to choose anything over them, no man, no substance, no parties, no friends, nothing may come first because they're mine and they come out of me and they rely on me and you never really know how much someone needs you until you're in their position you're asking for someone to help you for someone specific.

I wish that was her and I wish I could just get a hug from my mom. I could get picked up. I could get sick she could tell me that I was okay, that I was a pretty little girl that I'm not at this disappointment because I don't need to worry about anything because she's right there and everything will be all right because my mom is there to protect me mom is going to make it okay even if it's just a lie. I just needed to hear that.