The Curious Theory of Kissing

4: Wants and Regrets

Warning: NSFW content ahead!

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My usual 8 pm schedule includes finishing all my homework, studying for next month's exam, watching the Chelsea game (if there's any), and lastly, playing RPG games on my phone till my eyes hurt. But recently there has been a disturbance in my schedule. Not only have I been telling my driver that I'll be going home alone, but I'm also arriving at the house an hour later than what I'm used to. The private lessons I'm having with Mew has been replacing my strict routine. Not that I'm complaining... but when I wished that my senior year would be unconventional and memorable, this isn't what I had in mind.

It's midnight. I'm in my room and I couldn't sleep. So I wore my earphones. My father is barely home but you'll never know when someone is eavesdropping on the door. I took my laptop and opened an incognito browser just to be safe. I never knew typing something on the search bar could make me cringe and feel awkward.

"How to kiss" I stared at the blinking cursor for a second. "scientifically," I added. After all, if there is a scientific way to do it, it must work.

This is no way of saying that Mew isn't doing a good job at teaching me. He is very patient and easy. He always makes sure that I relax before and after the session. Not to mention that he also knows what he is doing. But the pace seems slow.

Coming from me, it sounds like I'm arrogantly confident in a short period of time. But time isn't on my side. The luxury of taking it slow isn't applicable. Suggesting something like 'when will you teach me how to french kiss' or 'when will you stick your tongue in me' is too vulgar for me to say out loud. Plus, he might laugh at me and tell me I'm not ready for that kind of thing yet. So I'm doing my own reading and watching. Besides, it's hard to learn something if you don't do your own research. I'm hoping I could find something I can do to show him that I'm ready for the next level.

I browsed site after site but not everything matches the 'scientific' way that I'm looking for. However, forums that suggest tips and tricks on kissing that work in real life caught my attention. I felt like a girl reading a cosmopolitan article for the first time. Hesitant to read but definitely curious. There were many pieces of advice to choose from but I chose the ones that come up quite often. Most of them are easy to do but some are just embarrassing. I've got no choice.

I should've shut my laptop down before I felt a familiar sensation building upon the lower part of my body. I shouldn't have let my hormones take over my mind, but I did it anyway. Subconsciously, my finger started typing a website only suitable for a private browser. I don't usually browse for any category and just go for the top-rated videos but this time I decided to take a look. I didn't know that there was a category solely dedicated to kissing. I went ahead and clicked on the first video I saw. It didn't have a plot, just a woman and a man staring intensely at each other while they make themselves comfortable on the couch. As soon as they started making out, the music died down. The exchange of breath and saliva are starting to sound audible. Porn is one of the few things I don't pay too much attention to. I was never really interested in the foreplay. I go straight to the action to quickly relieve the throbbing veins under me. Maybe that's why I never really knew how to kiss. As I watch closely, I realized that a kiss makes a whole lot of difference in making someone feel good. I was trying to remember what the man was doing but as I visualize, I was getting harder. I took a deep breath and let my hand slide in my boxers. I set aside my laptop and earphones and let my imagination take control. I was pleasing myself. I wanted her to be on my mind but it keeps getting blurry. It was his voice, it was his eyes... it was his lips that I can remember. I shake my head a couple of times just to remove the image of him. I don't know why it's undoable. As each stroke gets faster and the breaths get shorter, my imagination turns wilder. In my head, it seems so real. It was his hands, not hers. I stopped changing the scene and just let it be.