Prologue

Standing in a room filled with people had never made me feel so alone. To me they seemed more like mocking shadows whose sole purpose was to constantly reminding me of the horrid reason they had all gathered. 

 I was indifferent to all that was around me. I could hear all sorts of whispers and conversation accompanied with the occasional sob or cry but I was completely unnerved, it literally went through one ear and out the other.  What was wrong with me? Did it mean I had not loved my mother enough to feel anything? Had i already cried myself out?  Maybe I was in denial but it would be an impossible answer since everyone felt the need to remind me about what I was going through. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I saw a herd of middle-aged women coming to approach or rather remind me.

 "We are so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard going through this. We are here for you." said the most wrinkled one while she leaned a hand on my shoulder. I hadn't bothered to figure out who she was. Possibly she was one of my mother’s many childhood friends.

 I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. All of a sudden my chest closed up and I could have sworn I was thrown into the19th century where someone was trying to squeeze me into some archaic corset. I was suffocating. I stood up fast, knocking the lady off balance and causing her to tumble to the ground. I ran out, my hand clenched above my heart and as tears streamed down my face. Whether it was the overwhelming realisation or the pain in my chest - it hit me. My mother had died. Just then it felt like I could breathe, and really breathe for the first time in days.

 I kept on running even as I heard the shouts and calls from familiar - and not so familiar - voices but I couldn't stop and I didn't want to. Eventually I grew tired and slowed down to a walking pace. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My dad was busy drowning his sorrows in some bar- a now regular thing since the accident. I shook my head at the thought; my dad and I were never really close to begin with and now we were even further apart. My best-friend was in Europe enjoying her summer vacation and I couldn't bring myself to call her, something about telling Lexi what was going on would make it hurt more.

 It was starting to get dark and I had no other choice but to turn around and head back home. I wish I could say that my walk helped me clear my head, but rather annoyingly my head felt like it was about to explode with no particular thoughts in mind. The stars began to appear one by one in the violet sky that was rapidly turning darker. I couldn't stop myself from wishing one of them was my mother watching over me, but something else did. Before I knew it I was knocked down to the pavement, and rolling into the bushes, twisting my ankle in the process; I guess that's one way of intercepting my train of thought.

 Wincing in pain I looked up to see a silhouette of a hand reaching out to me. Hesitantly I raised my right arm to reach it and I was pulled up in one swift motion.

 "Oww!" I gasped as pain invaded my right foot.

"You're hurt? I'm so sorry...I" a concerned and strangely familiar voice spoke, barely audible against the sound of a roaring engine zooming behind us.

 Before he could continue I yanked my hand out of his hold, I narrowed my eyes as I struggled to make out who he was. He had obviously saved me from an accident of my own-only I would have been outside the car. 

 "Thank you." I managed to whisper.

 His reaction surprised me as he began laughing. His voice was so gentle yet full of life. It almost made me join him in his laughter but as a smile crept up my face, it felt wrong; I shouldn't be smiling not at a time like this.

 "What's so funny?" I asked, getting annoyed.

 "Sorry, it's just that you've got bush in your hair and with the expression on your face, well you look like you got picked to play the tree in the school play again." He said as he stifled back a laugh.

 "Again?" I was confused.

 "Don't you remember the time in kindergarten? I was tree number two and you couldn't have been angrier to be tree number one." This time he laughed.

"Jeremy?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. He slowly took a cautious step towards me.

"Finally! I was beginning to catch feelings." It looked like he pouted but I couldn't tell in the dark and before I could say anything else he pulled me to a warm and gentle hug.I knew what was coming next.  “I’m so sorry about your mum Kiara.”

 With that I began to cry. Again. There was something strange about my long lost kindergarten buddy that made all my walls come crashing down. Maybe it was the fact that we knew each other since we could remember. The familiarity caused me to tell him everything about my mum and dad, unfortunately it meant I head to explain the accident too; which I then realised I didn't know much about. He had been away on summer vacation when it all happened, but like the true friend he is, he made it appoint to make it today. Be there for me – even if it was a little late.

"I-I don't actually know what exactly happened. I just know my dad was driving. He wasn't hurt. Not even a scratch but my mum hadn't buckled her seat-belt and so she um..." I couldn't and wouldn't explain it, "sorry I can't." I said turning to him. I could almost make out his features in the moon light but I definitely realised he was the grown up version of my little buddy Jer. Although, I sometimes felt the need to remind myself, and search for that little boy. Much like now.

"It's okay, don't worry." His voice was almost a whisper.

We reached the front of my house where I could see a few people still scrambling about. They were most likely waiting for me. Jeremy had helped me get home since he didn't think I could get home in one piece especially after my break down. My sprained ankle was an bonus reason. It was just a couple of blocks down from where we met, which happened to be in front of where he lived. He had been on the way to see me at my house anyway. He asked if I needed him to deal with everyone inside, or if he should stay over, or if I wanted to stay at his house, honestly, I was getting irritated though grateful. Was that even possible? Jeremy eventual gave up. He apologised for his family being unable to make it and support me, but they had missed the flight he was on, and couldn’t get another one the same day. I offered him a small smile and a hug that said it was fine and he left me to deal with-well whatever you want to call a bunch of strangers roaming about your house. Guests’ maybe?

By the time I reached the front door I knew what I had to do. After being bombarded by the worried faces with questions, I had enough power to say what I really wanted to say.

"Everybody! OUT!" I yelled at the top of my voice.

Okay, so maybe I really wanted to scream. Everyone had hushed up and were staring at me with utter shock. I proceeded to apologise and asked them again to leave. Politely.  When the last of them were out the door, I slumped to the ground, managing to crawl up the stairs to my bedroom and onto my bed. I knew where my father was and I didn't care. Sleep wanted to consume me, but not before the tears did first. I had closed my eyes in an attempt to make everything fade away. With no success, I opted to pull out the old oversized jumper from under my bed. As I brought it close to my moist nose, I could see every perfect and imperfect stitch of the white fabric. Closing my eyes again was a lot easier as the smell of her filled my nostrils and slowly replaced my shattered soul. Goodnight, I love you mummy.