momojiro on ice

oop🙃

Sorry guys but this is just a filler

Time for some jokes that will keep you awake at night🙃

Why cant orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home!!!!

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.

Some people just need a hug... Around the neck... with a rope.

You can't say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.

My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. Finally she'll experience what rejection is really like.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!

- Mommy, mommy, I found daddy! - How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking "my mom is gonna kill me".

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I'm digging in our garden.

What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.

Why is the USA bad at chess? They already lost 2 towers.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it's a sensitive subject.

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.

My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking...I came home with tampons.

Okay my lovelies!!!

I think yhat was enough dark umor for 1 day.

P.S. if this ofenda you in any way... I am so, so, sooo, sorry. I didn't mean to

Bye gorgeous~