Metanoia [H.S.]

2.

I continued to doze in and out of sleep for what seemed like hours, but turned out to be a measly 45 minutes. The glass against my cheek was foggy and chilled from the gusting wind against the bus as it moved and I felt my cheeks turn red at the decreasing temperature.

I hugged my stupid cardigan tighter against my shivering body and wished that I had put on something much warmer before leaving Ryan's place. I felt goosebumps rise on my arms and legs and began rubbing them quickly, hoping to warm them up.

I'm not going to lie and say that I am not overreacting to this whole situation because I know I am. I should have calmed down and heard what Ryan had to say before running out. A tiny part of me regrets it, but here I am on a greyhound bus, taking me to an unknown destination with only my lurking thoughts and my inability to maintain stability.

After no luck of warming myself up I laid my head back on the headrest and aimlessly let my eyes wander around the bus. Mostly everyone was sleeping, listening to music or trying their best to keep their kids quiet.

The Harry guy that sat down next to me earlier hasn't said a word yet. Not that I'm expecting him to, I acted like a total bitch but he seems friendly enough to try and strike up a conversation. I studied his features as he slept. He had a tiny mole right beside his lip on the left side and crazy unmanageable hair. His dimples were prominent as he slept as well. I won't lie and say that he isn't attractive but I just need time for myself right now. I need to focus on the mess that I call Kate and fix who I am. Besides, I'm annoyed that he had to sit next to me. I'm sure the toothless man would have been much more interesting.

Unfortunately, I've become bitter and extremely unhappy in the past 4 years. My days are filled with judgmental thoughts about others and I don't find myself caring about anyone's feelings but my own, which seem to be all over the place as of right now. The past 6 men in my life have been a terrible influence on me, I know this. I knew it from the very start when I first met Ben. But I honestly didn't care to change my ways, and part of me still doesn't care. Understanding yourself isn't an easy task and I've always let others shape who I am as an individual.

I picked at the fraying strings on my jeans and carelessly tossed the strands onto the floor as they became detached from the denim.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry's voice interrupted my thoughts and my head whipped towards him.

His eyes were a brighter green now that he had slept for a little while and the faint outline of bagged skin beneath his eyes is much less prominent than before.

"Uh, why I buy jeans with pre-cut holes in them, when I know they are going to rip at the knee eventually." I lied, well it was half true.

He let out a small chuckle, "well you've got to keep up with today's trends. Ripped pants are totally in." He joked and looked down at his watch. "Seriously, it's only been an hour?"

"Yeah." I spoke softly and moved on to picking at the sleeve of my cardigan.

The non-existent colors of winter. Everything that had passed the bus was blanketed in white, no other colors to be shown.

"So... I-uh.. I know this is weird and I get that you don't want to talk to me but I don't want the rest of this trip to be awkward." Harry told me, turning his body toward me in the slightest.

I continued to face forward and didn't show any interest in what he had to say. Gosh why am I such a bitch?

"I can tell that you're distressed and have been through a lot recently, but I'm a really good listener if you need someone to talk to." He continued.

"Thanks, but it's nothing new for me, I know how to handle this and it just means closing myself off from the world for awhile." I told him, biting my tongue in the process.

I wanted to tell him that it was none of his business to know, but I could tell that he was being genuine. A quality many people lack.

...

"Hey, wake up. The bus stopped and isn't connecting to another city tonight." I heard a voice whisper.

I began to stir awake and noticed people started to file through the small doors at the front of the bus.

"Why doesn't it just keep going?" I groggily spoke.

"I'm not sure? I think it's because this is just the bus's route."

"Well they need to expand that." I huffed in annoyance.

As much as I needed to walk around and get some descent sleep at a hotel, I wasn't ready to get off of the bus yet. I don't think I could go anywhere that is far enough away from my problems. That's why my mind is messed up though, because I think I can run from my problems and they will magically disappear. It's not the best solution, but it's worked for my past break-ups, so why not do it now.

Harry exited the bus before me and got his duffel from beneath the bus. I tugged my poorly packed duffel bag strap further onto my shoulder and began to walk down the road.

It was a fairly tiny town. I don't even know where I am exactly. I only saw a McDonalds, Subway and a Motel 6 a ways down the road and figured that was my best option.

"Hey! Wait up!" I heard a voice, and rolled my eyes because I knew exactly who it was.

"What do you want? Its not like I'm friends with you now or something." I was annoyed with myself and with Ryan and the path that I have been on for the past few years of my life. I know I shouldn't be taking it out on this kind stranger with bright green eyes but I needed to let it out somehow. I turned around and was met with a frantic looking man, jogging toward me on the side of the highway.

He pulled his beanie down over his ears when he reached me and rubbed his hands together.

"You must be freezing." he stated.

"And you didn't answer my question."

I was freezing and odds are, I would become a human icicle if I didn't make it to that Motel 6 in a few minutes.

"Why do you hate me?" His brows furrowed together in confusion.

"I don't hate you specifically. I just hate the male population right now."

I turned on my toes and continued my journey toward warmth.

...

I entered into the lobby of the motel and booked myself a room for the night. Maybe I would hop on another bus in the morning, or maybe I would stay a few days. I haven't quite decided that yet.

I walked down the cheap hallway to my room on the 3rd floor and entered the tiny box I paid $47, throwing my duffel on the floor and making myself comfortable on the hard bed.

I was at peace in the silence. However, that's when the demons prey on us the most, when we only have our lingering thoughts of past mistakes and what-if's to battle.