Suicide Note

Chapter 4 Dead or alive?

TW talk of suicide, self harm, eating disorders, and sexual assault. Also this is a very sad chapter in general, so if you want something uplifting, do not look here.

********************************************************************

(Blaine's POV)

I sped through the hospital looking intensely for Finn and Burt. Finally, I spotted them in a large waiting area next to a long hallway. I noticed that Carol was there as well, holding Burts hand. I calmed myself down and walked up to them without saying anything. One by one, they all looked up from their fiddling hands or tapping feet to meet my eyes. All of their eyes were red and puffy. Traces of tears were stained on their cheeks. Silence.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed to know if Kurt was okay.

"What happened, Finn?" I asked breathlessly, worry and fear in my tone.

Finn looked down again and drew a long breath. "I went to his room to ask if he could help Burt and I with dinner." He paused. Burt put his hand on Finns shoulder, encouraging him to continue. "I knocked, but there was no answer. I tried a few more times until finally I just opened the door." I could see fresh tears forming in his eyes and his voice began to quiver. "K-Kurt was on the floor, u-un-unconscious." He let a few tears fall before continuing. "H-he-he w-was hol-hol-hold-olding a.... He was hol-olding a knife." He broke down, shaking with every letter. "He sliced his wrist. There was s-so mu-uch b-b-blood."

"Wh-what are you saying?" My own voice was now threatening to loose its stability, my eyes stinging.

Finn met my eyes again. "H-he tried to kill himself, Blaine, and we still don't know if he succeeded."

I reached my hand out to grab the empty chair next to Finn and fell in it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Kurt, kill himself? No, that couldn't be right, but they wouldn't lie about this. When he woke up, I'd need to see him. What if he didn't wake up? Oh god what if he didn't wake up?!

That's when I broke. My face was hot with powerful tears and I felt like everything was going 100 miles an hour. I was well aware of my violent sobbing making a scene, but why would I care anymore? What was the point? I felt Finns arms wrap around my back as he tried to control me, but I couldn't be controlled. The love of my life could be dead!

Everything was spinning, and spinning and spinning, until there was nothing left to spin. Black.

**************************************************************************************

(Third Person POV)

Blaine's sobs had been so violent, that he had passed out in his seat. The rest of the family decided to leave him be. It must have been more peaceful than reality. When they saw a doctor walk in asking for the family of Kurt Hummel, Finn shook him awake.

"That's us," Burt said, "we're Kurts family"

Everyone eyed the doctor, holding on their breaths.

"I'm afraid I have some unfortunate news." The family looked down, trying to will away the tears. The doctor shifted his weight to his other foot before continuing. "I'm sorry to say that Kurt didn't make it. We've done everything we can, but it was already too late when he got here. There was nothing we could have done to save him."

The four just held to each other in silence. There were no tears left to cry, but the pain was just as real. How do you take the news that your son, boyfriend, or brother was dead. You can never really know how. So they just sat there, clinging in desperation, in a silence too quiet.

"I'm afraid there's more," the doctor said. Blaine was the first to lift his head again. What could someone possibly have to say to make this worse? The doctor just gulped and continued. "We found some alarming things on his body." This time, it was Carol who looked up. "We were not surprised to find self harm cuts across his arms, shoulders, and hips, or even his dangerously low weight, he most likely lived with an eating disorder. We also however, found signs of sexual assault on him.

Burt met the doctors eyes. "What?"

"We won't know for sure what happened until we run more tests on him, but it appears that your son was.... raped"

"Oh my god" was all Blaine could say barely above a whisper.

"You may see him now if you like, to say goodbye."

Carol nodded and was the first to stand, reaching her hand out to help Burt up as well. The four followed the doctor down the long hall and into a small room. In the center of the room, was a small twin sized bed with Kurt laying peacefully on top. He was wearing a hospital gown, making his self-harm cuts visible on his bony arms. Some were old looking, with just a barely detectable scar, and some looked as if they had been made only hours ago, deep, fresh and red. On his left wrist, he had a bandage, wrapped tightly around the wound. Without his usual scarf, his family could see bruising all around his neck. His eyes were closed and sunken into his hallow face.

"Do you guys mind?" Blaine asked obviously fighting tears, "I just need a moment alone with my boyfriend." The three nodded understandingly and told him they'd wait in the hall.

Blaine held Kurts hand and brought it to his mouth to place a kiss across his knuckles. Tears fell onto their hands but he didn't care.

"Oh god, Kurt," his voice was broken and weak. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so s-sorry. I-I could've done more. I should've done more. I should have been able to see something had changed, but I was too damn stupid. I could have prevented this, but instead, I chose to ignore all the signs." He knelt down by Kurts side and ran his fingers through his hair. "I should've seen the way you clenched whenever I've touched you recently. I should've noticed the weight loss, or the way your lunches at school became lighter and lighter until nonexistent. I can't believe I though fashion was a good excuse for long sleeves and scarves in the summer. Who did this to you Kurt? Who made you hurt? Who touched you? Who made you think d-d-dea-death was a good idea? I promise, I will find him, Kurt, and I will make sure he pays. I should have been a better boyfriend. I love you so, so much."

Blaine rested his head on the side of his bed and cried. He let it all out, the regret, the shame, the sadness, the love. All the emotion flowed from his eyes in the form of salt water. He meant to keep that promise. He was going to find who hurt Kurt and he was going to put him in jail for a very long time.