Topside: Oneshots

A Sporker's Curse

Lucifer: *sat opposite, tapping his claws together* You understand why I've summoned you.

Kitty: Because I'm your favorite little plaything?

Lucifer: I'm just gunna cut to the chase--

Kitty: Good. I can get back to my job.

Lucifer: About that. Tony said you were on Torture Analysis.

Kitty: He did. Until--

Lucifer: You fried his brains.

Kitty: *shrugs* I just killed him until he died from it. Pretty shit Shogo if you ask me. When he can't even keep up with Kitty's pre-drinking.

Lucifer: *drums his fingernails upon the stack of damage reports* It's my understanding that you two had a personal dispute?

Kitty: I wont deny that *sparks herself up a joint loaded heavily with some of Hell's Finest Grass* He was being a total dick.

Lucifer: Then there's your output lately. You selected a rather... Odd method.

Kitty: I think you seriously underestimate the impact that culture has on the squishy mortals.

Lucifer: I could understand Mein Kampf. Or the Communist Manifesto. Or any book by Snooki. But The Mister? Stones to... What?

Kitty: *clamping her paws over her ears, snarling* Cunt... Fuckin'... You have no idea how much those festering piles of wankbank offend me.

Lucifer: Oh, I do.

Kitty: *her ears flatten as she regards him with a skeptical look* Really?

Lucifer: I've read your comprehensive "data" enough times to get the impression that you dislike it.

Kitty: Which is why you keep doing it.

Lucifer: Well...

Kitty: Cuz you're a sadistic jackass that seems to find my pain amusing.

Lucifer: It's not like you've got much else going for ya, Kitten.

Kitty: I don't care. I would rather dry hump a cactus that has contracted herpes than read that twaddle.

Lucifer: *smirks* Which is wh--

Kitty: I would rather drink honeyed piss out've a hornets nest than endure another soppy tween angst novel.

Lucifer: That's no--

Kitty: I would rather skullfuck myself with a brain-sucking leech than listen to another poorly constructed simile.

Lucifer: D'you mea--

Kitty: I would rather hammer nine inch long spikes up my urethra until my nether regions resemble an S&M wedding bouquet. Than read anymore of this shitty wank, which is about as stimulating to me as a dildo made out of anthrax.

Lucifer: I--

Kitty: Seriously. I can only really describe this drivel as what you'd get if someone ejaculated directly into a word doc.

Lucifer: Enough!

Kitty: *pacified*

Lucifer: If you'll recall, I allowed you to deploy one of our Agents prematurely in order to provide assistance.

Kitty: Yeah. And you gave me some Johnny Bravo imperssonator with a British accent and an ego big enough to rival yours.

Lucifer: You were the one snooping through his files. And you left a lovely note, which read; "he's very good at choking."