SELENELION

3. Veronica

When I approach my locker I see Vinny leaning against it, typing away on his phone. He looks up and meets my eyes, before stepping out of the way so I can open my locker. I quickly grab the books I know I'll need tonight. "How was your first day?" I ask him, as we walk towards his bike. He shrugs, "Was alright. Nothing special." Looking over at me he asks, "How was yours? Did you enjoy your spare?" "Of course I did. We actually ended up going by the lake since the weather was so nice." "Who's we?" Vinny asks, right away. And for some reason, it bothers me. I hesitate a moment before answering "Erin and Alex. We all have the same spare." He nods, stepping onto his bike. "What did you do for lunch?" I ask, unable to contain my curiosity. "Went to Melissa's, Jay almost died diving off her roof into the pool. Then everybody was jumping off the roof." "Oh, you guys went swimming. That sounds fun." I say, hoping I don't sound as pathetic as I feel. "I didn't swim." He clarifies. I want to ask him what he did do then, but find the restraint to stop myself. As we fly by the familiar streets, I wonder if he remembers we agreed to go to our spot after school. When he misses the turn for home, I subconsciously breathe a sigh of relief. He parks his bike by the side of the road and we head through the trees of "Romita's Bridge Park," walking until a long, tall fence blocks off the path. Vinny picks up the giant "Do Not Trespass" sign and moves it aside, revealing the large tear in the fence. He holds it open for me to enter and follows behind. We walk through more trees in silence for a couple of minutes before we get to the clearing. There used to be a large bridge here that got you to the other side of the creek, but it collapsed a couple of years ago. No one's ever gotten around to fixing it. Now it's just a cliff, to most people. There's a thin path of muddy grass on the left edge of it that leads to the other side. It's not the safest walk so Vinny and I tied a rope to a tree on either side of the small path, so that we could hold onto it for balance as we got across. He goes first, and, even though we've walked this many times together, he still constantly looks back at me, checking that my clumsiness hasn't caused an accident. Once we're on the other side we look at each other and both start running. There's another cliff ten feet in front of us, beyond that is the rapid creek below. Along the tall wall of rocks and soil that frame the other side of the creek, a very large tree has grown sideways. It's roots sprouting horizontally from the soil, about twenty feet in the air but still below our view. It's large and plentiful branches create an abstract work of art that seems to defy the laws of gravity. I remember the first time Vinny and I discovered it. We were fifteen, riding our bikes one late afternoon in the summer. We'd pretty much ventured through all the parks in our neighborhood, but not Romita's Bridge. We left our bikes in the same spot but had to climb over the fence back then. I was shaking slightly as I walked across the thirty centimeter wide path for the first time with Vinny, who ignored my protests and forced me to hold his hand until we reached the other side. When we got to the tree though, we both felt like actual explorers. It was such an unexpected, magnificent sight. Climbing down its giant branches for the first time, I felt like we'd just discovered magic. The rush of excitement still vivid in my mind. Without saying it aloud, we knew this spot would be our secret. Two years later and it still is. Neither of us bothers to slow down as we go from running to jumping off the edge of the cliff onto a giant tree branch a meter below us. We're both laughing hard and I couldn't even tell you why. I can noticeably feel myself relax here. We start climbing down the tree's branches when Vinny turns to face me. "Did you already eat your kinder?" He asks randomly. "I split it with Alex." He doesn't say anything and I feel my lip twitch as I reach into my bag and pull out the second kinder I brought for him. Once we're only a couple of feet above the water, we walk to the center of a long, thick branch and sit down. I pass the kinder to him and his face breaks out into a large smile, teeth and all. "You're special Ronnie." He looks at my eyes before passing me half of it. "You just realized?" I joke. "Nah, I've always known that." Unsure how to respond, I subconsciously look down but he tilts my chin up, "I've also always known you're a dork." He states, wiping chocolate off my chin. His thumb brushes across my cheek, "Rosy cheeks." He says, as I feel the blush on my face. He asks me about my other classes, about any plans I made with friends, about any plans I had for school. I ask him about his mechanics class, about his work schedule and any plans he made for the weekend. It's nice talking to him, easy to talk about such light topics. But there's no denying the tension surrounding us, even the air feels heavy. We're silent for a few minutes, both lost in thought. I know I'm about to ruin the peaceful moment, but I can't stop myself from talking about this any longer. The nausea is already back when I turn to face him. I'm sure he can sense me staring at him, but he doesn't look my way. "Vinny," I take a deep breath, "I need answers. I can't get through another day without at least some answers." He's quiet for a long time, the tension in the air now suffocating. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it, "I don't think I can give you the answers you're looking for." He says, taking another long drag of the toxin. My patience, a long with my sanity, have been wearing thin for a long time now. I pull the cigarette out of his mouth and toss it, angry with him for not mentioning he started smoking them again but not willing to discuss it right now. His jaw clenches but he says nothing. "What happened that day? Can we start with that, tell me the truth about what happened?" "You know what happened." He says simply. His cold, seemingly unaffected behavior is the last straw for me. "No, I don't know anything. Because you won't tell me anything." "You know about as much as I know." He says, not sounding like himself. He sounds empty. He's about to pull out another cigarette, but I stand and grab the whole pack from him, tossing it. I don't care how much he feels he needs one right now. "Ronnie, what the fuck?" He asks, sounding more irritated with each word. "You KILLED someone Vinny!" I shout, no longer able to contain the enormity of such a harsh truth. I couldn't understand how he was able to not talk about it. His head snaps up in my direction, his eyes ablaze now. His control is also wearing thin. He stands and gets really close to my face. "You don't think I know that?" He says venomously. "Why did you kill him? I NEED to know why?" I plead, unable to hide the longing in my voice as my eyes search his. He runs a hand down his face. "He tried to kill me Ronnie." He says, sounding far away, "I...I just reacted." I'm suddenly overwhelmed by visions of that day. It was over two months ago, on a hot, sunny Tuesday. My boss had mistakenly booked Amanda and I for the same shift at the diner, so I got to go home early. Vinny had mentioned he'd be working on Romero's car with Dante, so I decided to go straight to his place. I walked towards the open garage in his backyard, the black Porsche momentarily obscuring my view. The red puddle that was growing rapidly larger near the hood of the car caught my attention first. It flowed down, producing a red path along the cement but stopping a few inches from my feet. It wasn't difficult to recognize that the red substance was blood. Then I rushed to see more, hoping, with everything inside me, that Vinny was okay. "Why would Dante try to kill you?" I ask, sounding as confused as I feel. "Aren't you guys supposed to be like brothers, bound by your oath to the stupid Conquistare?" I ask, angrily motioning to his neck where the word is tattooed vertically in beautiful black calligraphy, forcing me to always be reminded of its role in our lives. The bitterness in my tone is undeniable. "Conquistare" was the name of our city's most notorious gang, in which Vinny was a treasured member. I didn't even need answers to know they hold blame in this, they always did. Vinny's whole body looks tense, his eyes revealing too many emotions to pinpoint but his face reveals nothing. "Don't talk about things you can't understand." I shake my head, refusing to cry right now. "I don't understand! I never have! Why would you ever get involved with them? They ruin everything!" I'm screaming, and there are tears in my eyes. This isn't how I wanted everything to be addressed but my emotions have taken over as I finally let reality wash over me. "You were supposed to get out. Remember, we talked about it because it made no sense, you joining. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that you'd choose to be initiated in. But you did choose it. And you tried to make it better by saying you'd get out. You swore it wasn't serious, and then you shut me out of that part of you. Like pretending it wasn't real made it any easier to deal with! Well you never got out Vinny, you did the opposite! You got more involved, and now is it even possible for you to get out? Would that even fix anything? Dante's dead... you killed him." I whisper the last part, sitting down once more because my legs feel too weak to hold me up. Vinny continues standing, looking down at me with an unreadable expression. "I didn't know what to do Ronnie. I wasn't ready to die." He confesses. Looking up at him, I picture him bloody, his eyes lifeless and my eyes blur with tears. I can't describe how thankful I am that Vinny won that fight. The thought of losing him is unbearable, but still a very plausible reality. I stand once more, trying to find a new resolve to hold onto. "Well then it was self defense." I say suddenly, wiping my eyes harshly. "You can explain the story truthfully. You were defending yourself, you did nothing wrong. Anyone could understand that." I say, getting closer to him, unsure if I'm trying to convince him, or myself. He shakes his head and takes a step back as I continue. "You can't be charged for trying to stop someone from killing you. Maybe if you went to the police yourself, they'd see you're not trying to hide anything. Maybe they'd even help you get out of Conquistare, I mean that's part of their job right. I could even come with you, I'm technically a witness and I could hel-" "Enough Ronnie." He cuts me off. "Just stop." I stop talking, already feeling defeated. "You think the police would let me off after a murder confession? Are you still this fucking naive?" He says in disbelief. "If I walk in there, I'm not walking out. Like it or not, the tattoo on my neck makes that a guarantee. Even if I did, jail is mercy compared to what we do with people who talk to cops. As for you, you're not fucking involved in any of this. You weren't supposed to be there that day, stay out of it." He says darkly. Putting my head in my hands, I will myself not to throw up. He sits next to me. "I made my choice when I killed Dante." His words have me flinching. "Just like I did when I got initiated." He looks at me, "But my choices have all been mine alone. They're a reflection of me, not you. You're not responsible for them, you shouldn't have to deal with the messes they cause. It's not fair to you." He grabs my chin before saying this next part, ensuring I'm looking at him. "I know how hard it must be for you to deal with all of this. I would do anything to erase it from your mind. But I can't. I'll always live with the choices I made, you don't have to. For you, there's so much more. Do not let someone else's choices keep you from living the life you're meant to. Even if that someone is me." I shove his hand away, "Why are you talking like that? Like something is going to happen to you." I can't be still so I stand again. "You think after everything, I could just detach from it all and leave for some scholarship? Who sounds fucking naive now?" I toss his words back at him, because it's what we do. "Your choices do effect me. They have for as long as I can remember." He stands and I approach him. "You're meant for more than this too Vinny, I wish you could see yourself for who you really are." Reaching up, I trace the tattoo on his neck, "This isn't who you are. It's a leech. It's poison." His eyes move to my lips and linger there. "Are people looking for him?" I whisper, because it's plaguing my mind. He blinks, but doesn't move otherwise. "I took care of it." It's all he says. I'm looking up at him, my hand still on his neck. "What did you have to do?" "Jesus Ronnie, you want to be a part of every fucking detail now?" He takes a step back, pulling away from me. "I did what I had to. You will too, when it comes to taking that scholarship, I'll make sure of it. Now I'm done talking about this." He starts climbing back up the branches to leave. Taking a couple of deep breathes, I reluctantly follow. We're silent until we get back to the fence. My mind is scattered and I can't seem to ever shake this feeling of dread that follows me like a shadow. The sun is beaming and I'm sweating. Stopping in front of the tear in the fence, I take my pink sweater off and put it in my bag before pulling my water bottle out and taking a long sip. Feeling Vinny's eyes on me, I'm about to turn and offer him some but he stops me before I can, pressing his chest against my back slightly. I want to ask what he's doing but my breath catches in my throat. I can feel his nose brush against my hair gently, his warm breath tickling the back of my neck, but he's not touching me otherwise. A shiver runs through me as goosebumps cover my skin. Not wanting Vinny to notice, I open my mouth to tell him we should go, but his voice stops me. "Wait." His breath is right on my ear now, causing another shiver I can't suppress. Placing his right hand on my waist, he's holding something in it as he moves it to my hips. My tank top ends and his fingers tickle the exposed skin just before my jeans start. He dips his thumb underneath the front of my jeans slightly, causing a sharp inhale to escape my mouth as he slides whatever was in his hand into the pocket of my jeans. Sometimes Vinny doesn't touch me at all, not as a greeting or a goodbye, even when I really hope he will. Other times, he touches me in such delicate and intimate ways that I'm left with sudden longings strong enough to kill my sanity. Pulling away quickly, he turns and holds the fence open for me, seeming like the epitome of unaffected. Walking through it, I don't look at him, or say a word. While he covers the tear back up with the 'Do Not Trespass' sign, I try to compose my flustered appearance by studying the object he placed in my pocket. It's a knife. Flipping it open, the knife glistens under the sun. It's curved into a slight S shape and has jagged edges, the sharpness of the blade noticeable. "It's a Spyderco Matriarch, it's good for self defense." I feel my heart rate quicken. "All of a sudden you think I need this?" I look at him questioningly. "Should've given you one a long time ago." Squeezing it hard I ask, "Is there something else I should know?" Looking ahead, he runs a hand through his hair and then locks his eyes with mine, "I just don't trust anyone, doesn't mean you should overthink it. It was either that or pepper spray." He jokes but then looks at me with a more serious expression. "The knife gives me some peace of mind, hold onto it." I nod to appease him yet his words don't reassure me. There's still so much left unsaid. Although I don't think I could handle anymore right now.