The Inescapable Desire for Compassion and Intimacy

Yearning for Desperate Change

Rain. That was all anyone ever got in Palray, Virginia. Rain. The ethereal mist and droplets were suspended in the air, only moving to fill the space of what once was an object in place, where one-half of the expected scenery in Palray. If not the mist, then the directionless and unanticipated storms that slowed everything to a crawl. Palray sat to the eastern part of Weskerton County. To the west was the city of Brightingdale. Brightingdale was a hub for Virginia's best and brightest. Graduates all across the east coast can witness the technological marvel of the Carris Power Building. It was a beaming skyscraper that guarded all of Weskerton County. The building was hexagonal, with more hexagonal lights lining the edge. Normally they would glow magenta or white, but they are a soft and pastel green this month. To the south of Brightingdale was Geneva Wood, a sprawling and enchanting forest filled with newly planted trees thanks to the Carris Environmental Committee. Dotted across Geneva Wood were tiny cottages and motels to capture the eyes of couples looking to reinvigorate their love life. Flower-lined cobblestone with amber-colored bulbs bridged motel to a diner to promenade. However, the only place with absolute privacy that wasn't the forest passed Carris' jurisdiction was The Hawk's Perch. One cold steel bench overlooking Brightingdale and Palray, with nothing but a lone American Sweetgum tree standing next to the bench known to locals as The Hawk. With the earthy greens, honey yellows, and rose pinks dotting the Wood behind, the fiery red of The Hawk's leaves captures the eyes of only the romantic and the desperate.

The grey walls highlighted with flickering neons were just that in Palray, but the people still called it home. There was a bus station, diner, or school; there was someone who woke up every day to serve their community with selflessness and distinction. One such person was Jason Cartright. Jason lived in a cozy flat right on the border of Palray and Brightingdale. His apartment was no greater than 400 square feet and was as colorless as the rest of Palray. Jason himself was a man trying to prove to the world that he was more than what he had. He wore flat-colored button-downs along with slim-fitted jeans everywhere he went. His jawline was present, not nearly as sharp as one would hope, but it wasn't round enough to be invisible. His eyes were almond-shaped, black to most, but under the warm lights in Geneva Wood, they were the slightest bit green. As if the color in his heart needed warmth to reveal itself. Jason's hair was soft and wavy but tried as he might, he could never let stay in one position for more than 4 hours. The early morning comb up and over would eventually materialize into sprawling strands that drooped down to his forehead and just passed his eyes thanks to the weight of the rain. He was cleanly shaven and maintained his clear skin with coconut moisturizer. The smell was deeply personal. It was the smell of her. Even Jason knew how bizarre it was to remember that detail about her, but he prided himself on his memory, even if he had no pride in high school. Jason was slender. His strength didn't lie physically, but he learned enough about defense to never be an instigator. No, he was a wallflower to a tee. The only memorable thing about Jason was twelve straight scars on his left forearm. At least his scars would be memorable if he ever decided to show them. Hiding became a natural skill for Jason. Eventually, the secrets stay so buried that he would forget why he was afraid. That was high school. Now he hides just because he hates that he even thought of the idea. 

The nights were frigid and damp. The sky was painted with heavy strokes of greys, smeared with raindrops gently tapping onto Jason's bedroom window. But inside, gentle did not exist. Inside was the same tossing and turning that plagued Jason for five strenuous years. The first year was bliss. The allure of realizing his potential and finding the drive to change the world enveloped his heart with joy. As the years progressed, the light of hope would fade, and all that would be left is a colorless, joyless soul that the world would neglect. He didn't want to exist as just another drone simply. He wanted to relive the joy he took for granted. He wanted to be a beacon for tenderness. He wanted her.

"No, no, let me go back. I need to say something. Lila." Jason weakly said his sleep

Words would be forced out, always echoing the same message. Jason wanted a do-over. The tossing and turning were too much, and he violently shook himself awake. He wiped beads of sweat from his forehead and shuffled to the bathroom. The mist of the hot water running clouded his reflection and his judgment. 

I can't keep doing this to myself. It's never a power trip. Or an escapist fantasy. Or even seeing her again. Reliving the fleeting memories I have of her.

Jason's mind raced as more negative emotions swirled around his brain like vultures circle a dead rodent. As more hate entered his head, he realized that he was no longer staring at the fogged mirror in his bathroom but the fogged sky from atop the roof of his apartment building. The top still had puddles from the rain that had faded. Puddles that allowed him to see himself clearly finally. 

No. I can't live like this. I can't fester hate for a person when the only interactions we had were out of a need not to fail history. I can't change the past, and I can't change the way my heart feels. I just need to stop thinking about high school entirely.

One step after another, Jason neared the edge of the roof until he found himself staring right down to the parking lot below. He gazed up at the sky, watching as the light of the moon broke apart the clouds that had hidden the beauty of Brightingdale. 

Jason clenched his fist and lifted his foot onto the parapet. 

"Alright!" he screamed, "I'll make you a deal! All I want is to be happy, but you won't let me. Well, guess what, I don't have to stay here. I can end my story right here. But I'll continue if you grant me this one wish. I know Lila has me in her contacts. I can feel it in my heart. If I call her now, no matter what she says when I talk to her, I'll continue. I'll be a better person. But if not, then I'll finally go to sleep without having nightmares." 

Jason reached for his phone in his pocket and began dialing her number. First ringing tone, nothing happened except for Jason propping his second foot onto the parapet. Second ringing tone, nothing happened except for his vision blurred with tears pooling under his eyes, and a single tear began to roll down his cheek. Third ringing tone, Jason closed his eyes, ready to silence his mind until Jason heard a murmur from the other line. The voice that Jason has wanted to hear again ever since graduation day. 

Ever so faintly, Lila said in a tired yet inviting voice, "Hello?"

"Shit"