Borderless Love ✔️

The One

I don't know how to write this so I hope you'd understand if I state it as a prescription note, like you did.

Rx

"Please start the CPR, I'm on my way," were your first calming words when I frantically dialed from the nurses' contact. I was new to the whole procedure and the sound of shelling outside didn't help.

I remember seeing you rush in, not a care in the world about wearing an 'I hate Monday' t-shirt. Your professionalism was etched on the white overalls you donned with the Red Cross on it.

I still cherish our first contact. You stretched your palms in the glove before placing them over mine for initiating resuscitation. I was mature enough to know that hand contact doesn't make sparks fly, yet it was my eyes that betrayed me.

A man of your stature could have been anything. But you decided to be a doctor. The smile lines and a dimple impression in your left cheek screamed of your nature; it was an added bonus in our line of work.

I was smitten by your compassion. Not many would stay back checking on their patient the whole night. You imbibed in me the understanding of our work wasn't only about administering drugs. It was a divine purpose.

You, Sir, were the very few 'Doctors without Borders' whom I wasn't scared accompanying places. Maybe, because you took the daredevil girl inside of me and gave her a reason to thrive. Your words about this cause being more than a person's crusade resonated with me.

Only you saw the suppressed upbringing of mine as a motive in joining the mission. Back then, it was to prove to my family that woman could be passionate about humanitarian work too. Nurses without borders' was a challenge I took upon myself to revolt; it was you who molded it to become a true passion, a driving force.

Watching you work fearless among deceased and injured, yet, striving every-time to ensure people received utmost care made me your diehard fan, although you didn't lack any. Your generosity was laurelled when you travelled in the backside of a truck for an elderly to journey comfortably. Not many could do that.

I could never forget the day you ensured our safety during a shelling. You weren't scared and that instilled hope in me; in all of us. Do you know, you were our Dwayne Johnson? We all talked about you. I watched your work with both words and deeds, bringing a sense of security for your patients.

It was a privilege to work with you in Palestine. Holding my trembling hands with blood and mass, you made me realize the reason why we have left everything. Why we decided to be borderless. "You shouldn't let this demotivate you, ours is a bigger cause" were your consoling explanation when I heaved into your shoulder upon my patient's demise.

I hated war and causalities. Nobody liked it but only you understood the deeper things about it.

That night you weren't Dr. Francis Dales but a simple man who showed me his photo album which travelled around the world. Photos of war, of bloodshed and death were the highlights.

But also among them were smiling children, pasted on the black edges of the book. Happy kids with bandages, babies whom you helped deliver and teary eyed new mothers, holding onto their younglings.

Your words about war were heartbreakingly beautiful; the center of the album's pages being the reality, depicting war and terror. The edges with the happy faces was what we strived for.

Although my eyes betrayed me long back, my heart follow at that exact moment. I still couldn't muster up the courage to convey my feelings even though I saw you take off your wedding ring and never put it back again.

Cruel was the world we lived in and crueler were ones who left us when we were away, yet it never vitiated your goal. Your aim to bring happiness and care to the children of warzones became my motivating factor. You were the happy clown that all kids loved. Whenever you were around, they flocked to you like bee to nectar.

They called you funny Francis for a reason. You knew how to bring a smile on a face, be it children, adult or even me.

The day you decided to empanel me as your staff, I danced in the rain and ran into the mud, bare foot. Your proposal had me act like a child. You saw me, mud covered and drenched. I wanted nothing more but to pull you out and make you sway.

"There are some boundaries which can never be crossed" was the definitive reply you gave when I ask you for dinner. All I wanted was your company. At that moment, I felt as if the Red Cross wasn't just etched on your white coat, it was imprinted on your heart too. It took some time for me to understand why you decided against us.

We were borderless, limitless. Tied up on heart strings would have made us bound to each other. Our marriage to the Hippocratic Oath was predominant than any bond. I could only understand that now. 

Your dedication towards the cause was silently mentoring me too. Although you did joke about hiring interns, little did you know, you always had one in me. I was ready to learn everything from you but you decided to send me off with another doctor to the next village. I welcomed your order with an aching heart.

I hated that you waited for so long to convey, you wanted me to take over after you left. Your words about my potential and seeing yourself in me, made me heart wrench. It was the greatest honor you bestowed.

I wanted to tell you that whenever I had doubts, I'd always think of 'What would Francis do' before talking another step, it always worked in my favor. Partly because I had the best mentor in the world and he was never really wrong.

Always being right had its loopholes too.

Your decision to move ahead before we could catch up wasn't a right one. That was the only wrong decision you took.

You could have waited for me. Couldn't you?

You could have left the building to save yourself when the firing started. Couldn't you?

You wanted to save those children. When they ran, why didn't you?

WHAT WERE YOU WAITING FOR FRANCIS?

Although I wasn't there with you, my mind still replayed the last words I spoke to the rescue team, "Please start the CPR, I'm on my way." 

Funny how all it took was one bullet. One small metal piece to shatter everything.

Everyone pasted your pictures on medical vehicles and the world recognized your contribution and the president sang your laurels and a movie script was based on your life and my parents were happy that I worked with you but nothing.. and I mean nothing ever could bring you back.

The world moved on, Francis but I was still stuck in the room where you left me, wailing near your lifeless body.

My therapist told me to write this; that it would bring solace. Little does she know that one truly attains peace only when seeking for it. I had already found my nirvana in you. But as an order abider, here I am, writing to you.

Francis,

My mentor, my friend, my love and my funny clown.

You made me understand humanity, that our work wasn't confined to money walls. It was the satisfaction of seeing a smile erupt on the face of those who had concluded the world had abandoned them.

You taught me that true love doesn't have to be happily ever after. It can also be the profound memories of those gone. It can be of a friend whose advice saved me a heartbreak, a well-wisher, whose decision to let go of me saved my life or an optimist who held my hand while drawing his last breath, asking me to smile.

You, Francis, were all that and more. You weren't just the love of my life, you were my light too.

With a heavy heart I write to you, knowing that once I place this on your tombstone, I'll have to let you go. I have delayed it for over a year, holding onto the last shred of memories. I shouldn't anymore.

As you once said, this is me reiterating, with an aching chest and a hurting throat. "It's time to move onto the next part of the journey."

So here I am, wishing you a peaceful afterlife. Maybe, I'd get a chance to meet you again.

But till then, watch over me, Sir.

Your borderless companion
Nasreen