Runaway

V. Where I Stand

In between the moments where the magic meant everything, I couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen when we got home.

Neither Charlie nor I would ever be able to deny that this road trip was nothing more than just as a desperate attempt to keep the two of us together, our voyage failing but, maybe if the wind was just right, the sails would push us forward again. I think that was what he was hoping would happen on this trip. It wasn’t working, it was failing and crumbling to dust and sooner rather than later there would be nothing left, but maybe if we kept pushing then the wind would catch again. If we could fall in love again over the next couple of weeks before we started for home, then the chances of our relationship surviving were good.

If we didn’t, I didn’t want to be around to witness the devastation that would leave in its wake. And I wouldn’t.

I closed my eyes.

We had two weeks until we went off to two different colleges. They were close, we had argued, close enough that we could go and see each other, but we both knew that wasn’t going to happen. I think it was unsaid but we both knew it. He might be hours away, but it would take a million years to cross the void that would be made when we finally got a taste of lives without each other.

And I wondered if I would miss him, and I knew with everything in my heart that I would never forget Charlie. I had been with him for a long time and I would always believe in him to do a lot of good in the world, but I don’t think it was just about the two of us anymore. I wouldn’t forget the moments that we made together because they were as solid as all of my memories will ever be when I look back on high school. I’m going to imagine homecoming and prom and all of the nights where we would sneak into the local park just for the swings. I would remember Charlie because he was a piece of my history, but would I miss him?

I think that, at first, I will. It will be like missing my right arm—but, eventually, people adapt to that. They get used to life without it and they move on; maybe losing a relationship was a little less dire than losing a limb, but I couldn’t help but to think the loss would be close, if not equal.

The emotional aspect of losing the person I always trusted would probably be enough to shatter me, but I might be able to handle it. I didn’t know.

We had two weeks before we had to be back home, before we were moving into our new dorms and starting a new chapter of our life that we thought wasn’t going to be there for a while. The end of the summer was in a little less than two weeks, and he had that long to prove to me that it was worth it.

I loved Charlie. I always will. I just don’t know if it’s enough to hold onto him like this.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked from the passenger seat, his first concession to letting me drive in a while. I jumped a little at the sound of his voice but shrugged, focusing my eyes back on the highway in front of me. “Come on, Bee, don’t leave me hanging like that.”

“It really wasn’t much of anything,” I replied, laughing a little uncertainly. “I was just thinking about everything.”

He was looking at me and I could see that out of the corner of my eye but I didn’t turn to look back. I pretended to be paying a lot of attention to where I was going but every cell in my body was instead locking down for impact. If there was anyone who could see through my lies, it was Charlie.

“Where do you want to go next?” I asked instead of opening up the floor to the topic he wanted to talk about and, considering the long break of silence that followed after my question, he had realized what I had been trying to avoid. He looked uncomfortable as he looked at me and I pretended not to look at him.