DREAM SMP - 𝑶𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒕𝒔

Why have you never told me?

TW: Unaliving (Suicide), Self-hatred, mentions of bullying

The cold steel blade, slid out of his hand, and fell onto the floor. His blood still rolling down his skin. His vision grew blurry. Finally, he didn't feel anything anymore. He only felt numb. He felt alone. But that was a good feeling. They did this to him. They made fun of him. They didn't know, what he has been trough. Maybe now, they will know, how hurt he felt. He noticed that his legs couldn't hold the weight of his body anymore. He fell to the ground, his head hitting the floor tiles. He grunted and his vision left him.

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"Todays video, we coded it, that we can play Minecraft, but we have X-ray on all the time. This was a really funny recording and it felt great to be back. Also, according to YouTubes statistics, only a small percentage of people that watch my videos are actually subscribed. So, you if aren't already, please subscribe, it's free and you can always change your mind. Thank you and have fun" Clay said into his microphone. He was editing a video, which him and his two best friend Nick and George had recorded yesterday. As he added the last finishing touches, he watched the video back, to see if he missed something. He noticed something as he watched it. Nick and George were making fun of his laugh throughout the entire video. This hurt him. He was always ashamed of his laugh and even got bullied by his classmates for a while. That was the reason he started harming himself. The self-harm was one of the many reasons he wore hoodies all the time. When it was to warm to wear hoodies, he would wear a shirt, but try to hide his arms as best as he could.

Clay had stopped harming himself, when he left school and met these amazing people on the internet. He stopped hurting himself, but the scars of the past, were still there to haunt him. He thought he was safe of any bullying, when he was with them. Apparently, he was wrong. Nick and George imitated his laugh, and talking about how weird it sounded. Tears welled up in Clays eyes as he looked at the screen. He opened discord and started calling George. His facecam was on, which was okay for Clay. George had seen his face before, so it wouldn't change anything between the two of them. As George picked up the call, his face went from happy to worried in a quarter of a second. He saw that Clay was crying. His eyes were red already, and the light of the monitors were reflected by the salty tears on his cheeks.

"Why George" Clay said, his voice shaking, as if he had just witnessed a murder. Georges' worried expression turned into confusion. "Why, what? Wot did I do?" the british boy said, looking into his friends' grass green eyes. "Why have you never told me that my laugh was annoying?" clay asked, whipping away one of many tears. "Oh... uhm.... Darn, I need to go. Talk to you later, loser" George said, hanging up. Clay sat there, pain and dread filling his heart. He was angry, but too sad and empty to let it out. He stood up, walking towards the bathroom. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he was shocked. Who was this fucking loser?

"Look at you, ugly motherfucker. No one will ever love you if you look like that. Green eyes? Wow how unoriginal. And blonde hair? Couldn't you have chosen anything better. The blonde hair makes you look like all of the others. Look at all the comments. Nick and George are always being praised for their brown hair. Why can't you be more like them? And that laugh? Don't even get me started on that. Your laugh sounds like a fucking tea kettle. Do you really think people would like to hear a tea kettle?" he said to himself, making more and more tears roll down his face. "NOONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!" he screamed, punching the mirror, making it explode into multiple pieces. Most or the mirror pieces fell to the ground, some got stuck in Clays' hand, making blood flow down his arms.

"Honey are you okay? Are you hurt?" someone asked from downstairs. Clays eyes widened as he heard the voice off his mother, come closer and closer. "Uhm- yes. I am fine, the mirror fell of the wall. I'll clean it up now" he said, clenching his teeth, trying not to scream, from the pain. He heard his mother walk away, as he sat down on the edge of the bathtub. "look at you. Bleeding all over the floor. Maybe you should just kill yourself. It would make all of their lives easier. Do it Pussy" the voice in his head said. He nodded and walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a pack of razor blades.

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George hung up and instantly called Nick. As he picked up, he began to tell him what just happened. "Bro, Clay just called me, his face full of tears. He asked me why I never told him that his laugh was annoying. I think he didn't take it as a joke. He is genuinely hurt." George explained, hearing a slight gasp from his friend. "Oh my god. Why is he so fucking sensitive? Like bitch. Take the fucking joke" nick said laughing slightly, hoping his British friend would also laugh. George didn't. He was worried. Worried that Clay would do something stupid to himself. He hung up, and tried to call Clay again. It kept ringing and ringing. Clay didn't pick up. "Fuck. It's all because of me. He will probably kill himself, and it will all be because of me" he said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "No. He wouldn't kill himself... He knows we love him" George added and wiped away the tear. If only he knew what was happening.

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Cold steel sliding through Clays skin, making him hiss in pain. His blood flowed out of his arm, rolling down towards his hands. It rolled down to his fingertips and dropped down onto the floor tiles. He continued to do this multiple times. "No... You need to do it the other way. The way you never wanted to do, because you knew it would end your life. Now it's time to try it out" the strange voice in his head said, making him position the blade at the wrist. Clay took a deep breath before pulling the blade up his arm, opening up his skin, all the way up to his elbow. He screamed in pain, but quickly shut himself up, to not disturb his mother.

The cold steel blade, slid out of his hand, and fell onto the floor. His blood still rolling down his skin. His vision grew blurry. Finally, he didn't feel anything anymore. He only felt numb. He felt alone. But that was a good feeling. He knew how bad the pain he was inducing was going to be. He didn't care though. They did this to him. They made fun of him. They didn't know, what he has been trough. Maybe now, they will know, how hurt he felt. He noticed that his legs couldn't hold the weight of his body anymore. He fell to the ground, his head hitting the floor tiles. He grunted and his vision left him.

His mother ran up the stairs as she heard something fall. She opened the door and screamed. Her son, was on the floor, bleeding out. She grabbed some towels, trying to stop the bleeding, but she was too late. Tears rolled down her face as she screamed for help. No one heard her. With the last bit of power Clay had inside of him, he tried to whisper something.

"Mom, I love you"

His mother looked into his eyes, as her son died. She noticed the light fading in his eyes. This was it.

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This.... was tough

1341 words.