random stories

no happy endings

"why can't i just be normal?" i choked out trying not to start sobbing again.
it was a thought that i had a lot.
things would be so much fucking easier if I was just normal. I want to wake up and be excited for a new day, I want to not freak out over little shit, but i cant. why can't i just be normal? i go to therapy, i take the meds, but nothing sticks. by shitty, fucked up brain can do nothing but tell that I'm s stupid price of shit, and this is what I deserve. That I deserve to feel like this. That I'm a stupid price of shit and I deserve to feel like a stupid price of shit."
"al-"
"why can't I-" i sniffed and brushed my face, trying to wipe away the tears that wouldn't ducking stop. "i just want-i need to be okay." i finally caved in and started sobbing again. nate stroked my hair, whispering little things like "it's okay", and "I'm here", and "I love you".
i compose myself to finish my thought. "cause i don't know how much more i can take."
i stare at nate directly for the first time in like an hour. i couldn't bare to. i already feel like a shitty asshole for loading all of this on him, and i know he wears his heart on his sleeve, and i really don't wanna feel worse about this all. but fuck it, i don't know how i could feel worse.
"al, please." he rubbed his hand on my cheek. i could see worry on every inch of his face. i hate seeing him worried. i hate seeing him sad. and i fuckibg that im causing the exact thing i hate. i love him so much it hurts. it's fucking awful when on the nights you feel the lowest, when i genuinely think of just ending it all, he's the first thing that comes to mind. he's the reason i don't. he's the reason i feel guilty when i cut, it why i keep taking my meds. it's fucking awful because my life depends on him. and what happens when he leaves? what happens when he gets tired of me, when he can't put up with me anymore? what happens then?
i close my eyes and lean my head on his shoulder, sobbing.
he wraps me tight, but not so tight i feel constricted.
i feel comforted.
i feel loved.
i hadn't felt loved the way that he had made me feel loved in a long time.
my mom never loved. my dad was never around. i had friends, but never best friends.
i kept myself locked up for so long, that i didn't even think feeling like this was possible.
i never understood how people could feel so strongly until i found someone that made me feel so strongly.
"I love you alex myers. you hear me? i want you to listen to me."
i move my head off his shoulder and he grabs my hand. he has tears in his eyes but it doesn't look like he's cried yet.
"i fuvking love you. i love you now, and ill love you forever. you mean the world to me. i want to spend the rest of forever with you. when im with you, i feel so good. i feel like nothing can stop me, okay? my allie, you bring so much light into the world wether you see it or not. i love you."
nathaniel green. my best friend, my lover, a literal life saver. the first man ive ever kissed and my first time. the man who's face ive drawn a million times and will never get old.
i try a few time to form a sentence, to make words to express how i feel, but there are none.
the dissonance of my two feelings right now are overpowering.
one of the worst pits of depression ive ever been through and the overwhelming love i have for nate. it's too much.
i give up trying speak and just pull him into a kiss. our lips collide and i can taste the salt from tears, though im sure who it's from.
i release to catch my breath, and he strokes my cheek gently. his hands were always so soft.
he smiles, really truly smiles for the first time in too long, and for a moment, everything that's happened vanishes. i mirror his stupid grin and i laugh. everything feels alright.
i wish i could stay in this moment forever. it's not perfect, but i feel good.
if only.