Zarlie: When I'm Gone

I. prologue

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Your life flashing before your eyes when you die is a hoax.

Honestly, I always thought the whole final-moment, life-scan, reminiscent-recap thing sounded like total bullshit. How would anyone even have found that out? There's no way that my entire life could be collapsed into less than a second. Plus, it'd be a pretty shitty final gift for living as long as you did— some things are best lived once and forgotten.
If I could choose, I'd forget all of 4th grade, I'd forget every single time I looked in the mirror and saw my Harry Potter glasses and light blue braces that clashed with the red flannel I wore every single day. Or maybe my first week of middle school and when I was late to every single class because I got lost in the halls. Every single family road trip. Cramps. Losing my virginity to Nate Heywood sophomore year after soccer practice in the back of his silver pickup truck that he refers to as "Steel". AP World History. The taste of cigarettes. Bad kisses. I wish I could forget all of that because I barely survived it the first time around.

A few months ago I wouldn't have minded reliving my greatest hits: when Nate and I made out in the middle of the dance floor at homecoming so everyone knew we were together; when Sara, Mick, Jax, and I got super high and tried to make snow angels in April, in Texas; my 16th birthday, when Sara picked us up and we took a spontaneous trip to the beach, I was grounded for two weeks but i regret nothing; that time Jax and I egged his ex's house, (she faked a pregnancy so he'd take her back) ran from the cops, hid in a ditch for 30 minutes while laughing so much we almost threw up. Those are the things I thought I wanted to remember but my subconscious knew what I really wanted— no, needed to see.

When I actually did die I didn't think about Nate. I didn't think of Behrad or how I'd see him soon. I didn't think about any of the trouble I got in and out of with my friends. I didn't even think about my parents, or Mrs. Gideon, or the view of the sky from Fort Tomaz, or the taste of sweets.

I thought about Charlie.

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