The Return

I’m afraid now.
afraid to scare you off
afraid to lose you.
afraid I'm saying too much,
giving too much but afraid I'm not too
afraid you will push me away,
it seems safer to try to forget
it's so hard to hold on
but no matter how hard I try
I can't let go.
                           ___________

I wanted you to stay
to fight for me
to choose me
that's okay though
because when you didn't,
I had to
my most important lesson in love

first love yourself
                           ___________

so, one day he walked into my life
from that very first moment he demanded my attention.
not forcefully but confidently, gently, curiously.
as if he knew I was his even before we spoke
we were magnets.
even when pulled apart,
still drawn to each other.
when the universe worked its magic and brought us close
again,
the force between us did the rest
the pull even stronger now.
so strong we both resisted.
soon realizing how futile that was,
surrendering was the only option
                      ___________

if only I could be mad at you, maybe it would be easier
but you can't be mad at yourself

so here I sit
trying to be okay
trying to be happy

I had to love myself enough to break my own heart
                        ___________

destruction
I break down every now and then
I fall apart sometimes
why are we made to believe,
there's something wrong with that?

we resist and fight against it
destruction is a part of nature
a necessary part of the process
creation
birth
growth
death
crying is frowned upon
we don't allow our sadness to flow out of us
to allow room for joy to come in
its ok you know
to grieve the parts of you
that are dying
it’s the holding onto it that causes the pain

we let the sadness sit inside
and turn into a monster of anger

chains binding us
imprisoning us
in an illusion of safety

carrying on moment after moment
occasionally screaming out
Pounding on the walls

let love in
it bubbles up
overflowing
washing out the debris
for joy to pour out from your eyes
forming into smiles
that can't be contained
bursting out as laughter
making all of you
vibrate with love
as your heart splits open

I break down, I fall apart, I lose parts of me
I cry, I heal, I grow, I evolve

                       _____________

She Was a Warrior All Along is my first published poetry collection e book and paperback available on Amazon and Book depository. Here I share part of the first chapter and hope it finds some resonance to whomever these words find.

Check out my Instagram page @LezelSimons for more poetry