Out of the Loop

Oh my dearest Lena, if only you knew, if only you understood. The real reason I kept my secret from you was not out of fear, mistrust or anything like that. Instead, in a weird way, it was out of love. And I don't just mean that I was trying to protect you, because I know you can handle yourself just fine. Instead, it was just that... Well... You became something like a home to me in all the years that we knew each other. And as much as I loved being Supergirl, sometimes it was just so draining and all I wanted was for it to stop.

There were many days and nights when I just wanted to be Kara Danvers and forget that Supergirl even existed. By making sure that I kept at least one person in my life out of the loop, I was able to bring that fantasy to life. By keeping you out of the loop, I had one person to whom I could go to as Kara Danvers and nothing more. No strings or capes attached. I could leave that "work-sona" of the Girl of Steel behind and just be myself in my truest and purest state. No work worries, no super stresses, just me and the one and only person who would see me as just Kara.

By keeping you out of the loop, I made it such that I could have some semblance of a normal life. Without my superhero persona constantly hanging in the back of every conversation, I was able to enjoy myself and you to the fullest. You were my one escape from that crazy life. You were that one semblance of normality. You were my rock, keeping my grounded whenever Supergirl tried to fly me too far away. And to be quite honest, if there was one person with whom I'd want to share a normal and happy life with, it would be you, second to none.

It was just such a relief every time we got to hang out. I always wound up forgetting myself for at least a little while and all that mattered to me in those moments was you. Us. It was a weight off my shoulders, a place to escape to, a blessed forgetfulness. All my doubts and fears would just melt away, as if you were magic. For once, I got to be normal, and forget that I wasn't human. You were always that one place I could go to if the rest of my life ever became too much, and for that, I will always be in debt to you.

Because listen, as much as I love Alex, J'onn, James, Kelly, Brainy, Nia and all the others, they all know the secret, so that means they're all part of it, and sometimes what I really need is to just... step away from it all. That's why you're so very precious to me. Alongside just being a wonderful person in general, you're the one person I can go to if I want to forget all of this madness. And it works every single time. Even if you aren't aware of what you do to me, sometimes all I need to do is just think about you and the stress and anxiety fades. That's how strong it is, that's how much you mean to me, and it is so incredible and I know that I am not worthy of any of it. I am so lucky to have you in my life, Lena, even if things are rough between us right now.

I am so sorry that my secrecy hurt you. I just want you to know that it was not something I did out of intentional malice. I still know that it hurt you, and that my good intentions do not erase the bad consequences, so I'm not trying to make excuses here. I'm still willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. I just wanted you to know that this had nothing to do with you personally. It was all me and my selfish stupidity.

But I also want you to know that, apart from being truly and deeply sorry for the pain I caused you, no matter what happens next, I will still always be here for you if you need it. Even if you decide that what I did is unforgivable and that what you want most is to never associate with me again, which I will accept in full as a just punishment for betraying your trust, I will still always love you for all the things you've done for me over these past few years. I will keep all those good deeds, whether you are aware of them or not, in my heart forever, because no matter what happens next, you are still my beloved Lena Luthor, and I will always be your Kara Danvers, and I will love you forever...

AN: Just a new perspective on why Kara never told Lena the Big Secret. And it's also a reflection of my personal life (minus the lies, secrecy, hurt, betrayal and general, overall angst).

To put it simply, I'm in a wonderful fandom, but sometimes my insecurities make me miserable and I've got this one friend who has stayed apart from that fandom and she has become such a blessing and sanctuary to me over this past year, helping me find a place to escape when the stress of that fandom becomes too much. I love her just as much as Kara loves Lena (though in my case, it's nonromantic. And again, blessedly, our relationship mirrors Kara and Lena's, but only in the good ways).

*Listen to Taylor Swift's "Afterglow" or Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" for this fic.